Monday, November 25, 2013


It's my final countdown.

No, not to Arrested Development. That already happened. Though, I miss me some GOB.

To this:


Residency. Graduation. Being cut loose.

I've been watching that timer tick down for almost a year on my phone, and now suddenly I keep looking at it and it surprises me because it's getting so close to zero.


Anyhoo, since there's less than two weeks left, I had to get on it yesterday with the ugly sweater shopping so I'd be ready for our holiday party. Don't think I'm not kicking myself for not buying this lil' beaut' at Thrift Town this summer:


Dammit. How could I let a treasure like that go? My only excuse is that I had no idea I'd be invited to an ugly sweater party. I know. I know, you guys.

Trying on some options:
These are only the things I didn't get. 
You'll have to wait to see what made the cut.

Anyway. I found something almost as good as last summer's awesome vest. What I didn't know was that setting foot in a thrift store in the weeks before a residency was going to send me into crazy Needtoshop Mode. I should have thought about it. Driving home from the thrift store meant passing my favorite discount shoe store. Which meant "just stopping in" to see if they had some booties. Because, you know, I've been eyeing booties on like it's my job. And OF COURSE THEY HAD SOME, Internet. Of course they did.

They had these for only $30. So I bought them. And I bought another pair of boots. And I bought two pairs of flats, because duh, my feet need flats.

The thing is that buying boots just reminds you how much you need skinny jeans. You know? How much you've been putting off sewing the button back onto the one good pair you have in your drawer, and how the other pair you're wearing all the time is looking kind of worn.

So I found myself at Kohl's last night, trying on jeans. The horror.

Normally I don't buy clothes at Kohl's, especially jeans. I've been buying Express size 8 long Stella jeans for about a hundred years. And even though I know nobody in almost the whole world wears bootcut jeans anymore, I'm fine with those for that, and for days when I don't want the world to see my whole leg. (Which is often, honestly.) But I am beginning to see that Express and I need to part ways. I feel like an old lady when I go in there. And my middle section never looks so old and so sad as when it pooches over the top of some ultralow youngperson jeans. Even under a shirt, that feels like some old-trying-to-be-young BS.

I really hate shopping for jeans. Hate. They just never fit right, and it's odd to me that something that I wear 90% of days is so difficult and trying to find. Want to feel bad about yourself? Go try to find some new skinny jeans.

Anyhoo. Accepting this, and also not wanting to stay in the bad neighborhoods after dark, I stopped at Kohl's, figuring they had to have something in the realm of "skinny" that would work. Hoping.

Here's the second reason I barely ever buy anything at Kohl's, though. I feel like Kohl's gives you two choices: Mature Lady, or Tween. Where are the clothes for the chick who is 34 takes care of herself and and is kind of conflicted about dressing "old" but still wants to cover the aftereffects of growing two small humans in her stomach? Where is that section? And don't point me toward anything that says JLo.

So I decided to start with the Juniors section, because even though--I know--it's too young, I can't bring myself to even shop near a sign that says "Lee." I'm sorry. It conjures images of pleated mom pants that go up higher than those giant lady panties that cover your bellybutton, and I, like, can't. I can't even be near 'em. So I started with juniors and I find something called "mid-rise skinny." I tried them on along with about ten other pair of esteem-crushingly wrong pants. And I felt worse about myself in that dressing room than I've felt opening my last ten rejection emails.

But yes, Levis. Yes. You are what I want out of life. Mid rise skinny, midway to being old. Covering my middle. Being skinny enough to show my not-old legs. And happily, they fit me, so I went back out to the rack to find them in every single other color they sold, so I wouldn't have to spend another night for the next ten years trying on pants.

"Excuse me," I asked a sales woman, "I can't seem to find any more of these 'mid-rise skinnies' on the rack right here. I found these grey ones in the stack, but the rest are all 'ultra-low.'"

"Oh, 'mid-rise.' Those are Misses. Somebody put them back in the wrong section. I'd be happy to show you where we keep those."

And then she gently led me over to the wall with the giant Lee sign. Right next to the pleated pant old lady jeans and the Christmas cat sweatshirts.

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