Friday, October 26, 2012

Nobody Puts PDawg in a Corner

Growing up we had, if I'm guessing, about four VHS tapes at our house. One was White Christmas, one was Somewhere in Time, one was a skipping, recorded-from-TV copy of Looney, Looney, Looney Bugs Bunny Movie, and the last was Dirty Dancing.

Guess which one I watched A MILLION times.

And I'm not gonna lie, those dance scenes (which I watched four times as often as the parts with anyone talking) were the epitome of everything I wanted to be in life. When Penny does a swivel kick onto Johnny's shoulder and then he pulls her across the floor in a dragging split?

I die.  Seriously, as if that mauve, beaded dress she's wearing isn't enough. I want to be her in that scene.

I was thinking the other day about how much of this movie is now embedded in my memory (taking up space for more important things, I'm sure). And while it's not the model of a) a good movie, or b) anything super edifying, I managed to glean all kinds of wisdom from my countless hours in front of the TV, studying at the feet of Miss Frances Houseman and Mister Johnny Castle.

And worry not, good people. Yes, there's a whole abortion storyline,  but that was completely lost on me--I was so sheltered and unworldly I don't think I knew what they were talking about until I was about 20. So this movie didn't do much to corrupt my moral fiber or pollute my innocent mind except give me the impression that if there was gonna be sexytime, there should first be some shirtless slow dancing to a little Otis Redding or the like.

Anyway, I present to you...

Lessons from the movie Dirty Dancing

1. It's a bad idea to sit in a corner, even if you have the best view of the show, Frances.

2. When large groups of people get together and kick-ball-change up the aisle, good things happen.

3. Signs that you're a rebel (read: likable): Lipstick. Tying your shirt so your stomach shows. Halter dresses. Smacking your gum. A black bra strap, hanging out the side of your shirt. Hip movement.

4. Bad dudes hold their leather jackets over one shoulder. They're like the wind, man.

5. If your father stares out at the lake when you're talking to him, he's really mad at you.

6. Douchebags are into Ayn Rand.

7. Nerds are into the Pachanga, and freedom rides with the busboys. Never volunteer to help out with the magic show. NEVER carry a watermelon.

8. If you are lucky enough to find yourself alone while "Wipeout" is playing, you should look side to side before doing a deep lunge on the railing and then hip-swaying up the steps.

9. Uniform of awesome people: knee-length cut offs, keds, white cotton/lace bras, footless tights, ballroom shoes, giant curly hair.

10. The single biggest sign that you've made it in life? When a guy can lift you over his head.

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