First of all...
this guy. Does it get any better than that picture?
A migraine hit me, mid-week, worse than any headache has to date. It was big enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. I'm thankful to the coworker who noticed a few weeks ago that these have been increasing in frequency--if not for her I might not have thought twice about it. I didn't really notice until she said something about it happening more often, but she was right. And since I've been having aura since November of 2009 (thank you, blog, for keeping track of my life), it was high time I saw a doc so this could go on my (as they say in Elementary school) permanent record.
The headache sucked. Big time. But it had the fortunate side effect of being this giant, cleansing break in my week and in my thought pattern. I needed the immediacy of pain and nausea to bring me out of a cycle of worry I'd been spinning in for a few weeks. Nothing's changed, really, but stopping to deal with something I could not avoid left me feeling--only days later--like things in my bigger life might not be so bad. At least things might be manageable, which is a different feeling altogether than that constant spin of worry. Strange how pain becomes an unavoidable catalyst for mindfulness. Pain brings me into the present and I have to let the future--the playground of the worrier--go.
I read something the other day that said (and I'm sure I misquote it here, because I didn't write it down): stress is a state wherein one assumes everything is a crisis. I wish I could remember it better. But basically it's the assuming of the crises that creates the awful stress, not whatever life is throwing at you. People who handle whatever life throws at them are fine. So are people who just don't worry about handling anything. Helpful to think about, even if I'll never fall in the second category. Also helpful this week? This post about fearing change. And this one about creating peace of mind. Even after the headache I had a rough day yesterday--a day of having to deal with shit 100% of the hours I was awake--but nothing makes me feel less crazy than knowing exactly how I'm going to handle the problems as I see them coming at me.
That headache created a break in my week, a chance to start over from scratch and get back to routine. I'm glad. Tonight is a lovely night. Things are calm and I can smell fall as the breeze drifts through our tiny house. E's out in the back chipping away at concrete and the kids are lounging across beds and couches, resting their legs from a week of playing outside. I'm also humbled tonight by the knowledge that I am not alone in the struggles I do have. Everybody's struggling with something, even if they don't show it. I could stand to worry about someone other than myself for a while.
I'm hoping I can quiet the worry during this week, and just be in the present. Right now, I am peaceful.