Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sunday Musings

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Sigh. It's Sunday. Feels like this weekend was about three minutes long.

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Yesterday was a pretty good day, though. Movies all day, cooking, and an early night. Lazy days at home make me happier than a cat who sneaks into the master bedroom.

Yesterday afternoon, Henry's friend challenged E to a bike race. It was just about the funniest thing I've seen in a while. 

Getting set up...

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And, the finish...

(Hank's friend is well behind the car... E smoked him.)

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That's right, E is riding a pink and blue girls' bike in these pictures. Sorry, ladies. He's all mine.

On my mind today...

So much for my Olympic inspiration. I've yet to go back out and run again. I'm really not sure what to do about, you know, being fit, lately. My weight is still hovering above the number I'd like it to be, even though I'm eating really well. I'm still so physically and emotionally drained when I get home from school that I haven't managed to head out at night or wake up early enough in the morning to get it in. Not even to walk, which just feels embarrassing to admit. I've wanted to go to bed every single night this week before 6:00. And I just can't decide if I want to run a race (or races) again or not. Time is running out on that choice, too. Should I run? Should I unfreeze my gym membership early because it would give me a place to go, to make sure I work out daily? Or do I want something entirely different? Would that be the way to kick my butt into gear? Decisions are paralyzing. First world problems. I know.

I can tell that my new work routine isn't familiar, yet, just in general. E keeps surprising me when he gets home at 4:30... I'm used to a good couple of hours to settle in after work and start dinner before he shows up. Now that we're home within an hour of each other, I keep thinking I have more time to do things than I really do. This is not a bad problem to have, but I think that for me unfamiliar breeds fatigue. I need routine so I can know when I have down time. I keep telling myself that if I could get through the year when E and I were separated (the year when I didn't know what I was doing five minutes into the future), I can get used to this and make it work.

My classes continue to go well so far, and I enjoy the kids. I feel like I have a great handle on who I am in my classroom and how to get what I want when it comes to classroom management. Yes, this is the hardest part of the year and I have to keep proving consistency until everyone trusts that I'm going to keep on being who I appeared to be on the first day of class. That's all normal, though, and I'm just biding my time until we get rollin'. I got last year's standardized test scores this week and though that's not what I'm all about, it was an awesome confirmation. There's a record of what I'm trying to do with these kids. My hard work and their hard work meant improvement in their scores, in addition to the improvement I saw in class. Yay ninth graders.

I have a strange detachment about school this year, though. I very much feel this year like I just woke up from a dream and so many people I care about are gone. I knew it was going to be hard for me at work now that K retired. But her retirement underscored for me just how many others have moved on, too. Others responsible for a lot of what made my lunches and breaks bearable. Others who both were and understood the culture of the school and the community. And that's not to say I'm just going to work because of the people I work with. No. But those are the people who make the struggles of this job tolerable, especially when we have tough years as we have for the last five or six. The people you work with in a high school help to define what it is. And what it is now is entirely different. It's not the school I've known for so long. Not at all. I feel a bit untethered. I'm happy to open my classroom and teach every day. Really happy. But I miss the sense that being there was belonging to a tradition. I'm lonesome.

That's life, though, right? Change in circumstance makes you change. I'm not sure what that looks like yet. Or what the next years of my career look like. But I like the direction that my MFA is pushing me, and as I said when I started in on it, I know it's going to afford me opportunities I didn't even know about when I started. Perhaps this shift at work is important because I need to feel less tied to the place I've been for half my life.

Right now that's what I keep telling myself, at least.


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