Friday, May 25, 2012

On being so slow

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.

Well me too; in fact it's on the list for today. But let's also keep not being in any way (at all) like Mrs. Dalloway on the list.

Holy God in heaven, my soul needs to read something light and airy. All of this death in what I'm reading. The friggin' Lost Generation. Love triangles (the sad--realistic--kind, not the sparkly vampire/wolf/pouty human kind). Obsession. Madness. Anxiety. Heavy, heavy thoughts.

I'll write a separate book post about finishing Mrs. D on the heels of The Hours, but I am on the lookout for some light, light reading. I need a book cleanse.  Just one or two, then maybe I can dive back in to the Tortured Writers' Pond.


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And speaking of torture, let's discuss the fact that I have another short story due today, this one for residency. I love writing. I mean, I love the act of writing. But I am SO SLOW on a normal day and yesterday my pace was glacial. I wrote all day and it was the most tedious process, ever.

I'm used to blog posts because I don't (usually) put pressure on them to be anything other than a moment in time. I can crack those out with regularity. I know about how long to make them and I know my own voice and I know what I want to accomplish here. But writing fiction feels more vulnerable (I've mentioned this before) and defining my "voice" there is an ever-evolving thing. It changes with what I'm writing so far. I would tend to believe that I'm still finding it.

Finally, I'm afraid. Yes, again. This semester has kicked me back a little bit in terms of confidence, and now I'm staring down the possibility of having my peers (can I even call them that if they're all so much more talented than me?) critique my stuff in just a short while. So whatever I upload today is going to be read and critiqued in a week. Scary, Dude. Scary.

I made myself sit and do it. I made myself work through the fear and alongside the fear. Because what more is there to do? Not write anything, ever? Not an option. And this is (I tell myself) exactly what I signed up for. Exactly what makes me grow. I am fond of telling my TA (well, she isn't my TA anymore, now I guess she's my former TA) that the times when I've been comfortable in my life were never the times I was growing. So I plodded along and finished another story yesterday, tried to make friends with Uncomfortable. Yes, and I wrote ALL DAY LONG. All day. Thank God I have the option of doing so right now, because if I was still dealing with the end of the school year I don't think I'd make it in time for residency.

Today and tomorrow promise to be busy with party preparations (again, we're staying away from drawing too many parallels between Mrs. P and Mrs. D) so my plan is to edit and upload this evening. I know I have a week ahead with no homework, no required reading. I hope (in addition to packing) I can fill that week with some pool time, some nap time, and some writing time--might as well get a jump on the fall semester since I move at a snail's pace.

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