1. If that dish isn't full to the top, I'm not eating. I wouldn't deign to eat out of a half-empty bowl. What am I, a dog?
2. God wouldn't have given me this awesome tummy if you weren't supposed to scratch it, Human. Get to work.
3. WTF? You stop petting me and walk away? How does this claw feel in your arm?
4. This is my side of the couch. Yours is over there. You will know which things are mine because I've rubbed my white hair all over them. See also: your pillow.
6. C'mere, dog. I'll bite your face.
7. Cat protip: Make sure you get a younger, wilier sidekick so you can blame all instances of "cat pee" on someone else.
8. Hey family, thank you for installing this wall-to-wall nail sharpener. Why do you keep referring to it as "carpet"?
9. I love you. No really. I love you, Human. You're my favorite. I love you. Oh, wait... you fed me already? Forget that thing I just said.
10. Meow. I'm on the wrong side of the door.