Friday, February 17, 2012

Week? What week?

feb week

Crazy week.  Difficult week.  Really frustrating, emotionally and physically draining week.

Sure, there was good stuff.  I graded a boatload of papers.  I finished a truckload of books.  I wrote a... um... crapload of stuff for grad school.  The kids and I went with my mom and sister to see Disney on Ice.  I went to the first round of Mock Trial competition for our county with my school kids.  My cats hugged each other a lot.  I think I might have eaten a meal one or two times.

But this week our marriage came to a gigantic screeching halt.  I know... again.  Things got frenzied, then they got ugly, then they got really, really tense.  E is carrying a lot on his shoulders--diagnosis with even more allergies (this time it's all of our pets we've discovered are killing him, in addition to, you know, FOOD.)  He's busy at work.  He's trying to research some big decisions about our house and finances and future.  His stuff was nuts.  Meanwhile I was still fighting a nasty cough, I was trying to finish the biggest packet of work I've done yet for school, I was grading a soul-defeating pile of student work, I was dealing with the most frustrating student behavior problem I've ever had, and I was carting monkeys around town and trying to pay more attention to them at home because that's what good moms do.  Sigh.  Too, too much.

Oh, and Valentine's Day.  Happy irony, everyone.  I don't want that day to have any power, but I have to confess that I think it does.  At least, this year it seemed to have the power to create expectations about the status of our relationship.  I never feel any pressure to do anything, but I did feel pressure this year to be something.

I could see trouble coming and I couldn't prevent it.  I found myself sitting in my car in the garage on February 13, crying an ugly cry and trying to tell E that I couldn't do the fight we were about to have.  Not this week when my packet of writing was due.  Not February 13.  Not at all, honestly.  Because I knew what kind of awkward, painstaking work and insane amont of energy it would require to follow this up and heal.  I was right about all of that, but it didn't stop us.  Because that's life, right?  Or at least it's us.  And so we had our words and we had our low and we've been climbing up and out of it.  Making appointments.  Taking care of business.  Because that's what we do.  The fever had to break.  Now we have to get healthy again.

I found myself at a loss for words all week, not just in blog-posting but in my daily routine.  I hate how marriage struggles peel away my comfort and confidence and energy for dealing with the world.  I developed a migraine on Wednesday that was such an obvious, hackneyed symbol of marital trouble.  It knocked me down.  I know I sleepwalked my way through two parent conferences and a bunch of conversations at work.  I was just out of it, foggy with stress.  All week I pushed back guilt about not running.  All week I tried hard not to worry about my teaching contract for next year, or the very fearful realities we're about to face in my district.  I mostly held shit together with espresso and bobby pins.  My hope is that this weekend brings down time and opportunities for us to practice being nice again.  Love, you know, being a choice.

Square one.  It's been a while.


  1. Phew - I was worried things were a little toooo perfect there :-)

    Glad to know you are human

  2. When I read your posts I get stressed FOR you. I love Valentines Day. But I've had that holiday when it held all the power and I didn't want it to. I didn't love it then. I learned to give myself the power and not the day. It was a process.

    So much going on in your world, keep putting one foot in front of the other. And try not to lose your mind.