Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Hangin' on


I know I don't get to complain about being tired anymore. Even though I was in school for ten days in a row, I got to go to school for a week in the desert.  I got to soak up all kinds of inspiration and sunshine.  I got to meet people who have found a way to be successful in the writing field.  I got to have someone else cook and clean for me.  I got to sleep in the middle of the king sized bed.

But the transition into work has been too quick.  I just feel off this week.

And today I came up against some pointless bureaucracy.  (I know, in public education?  Gasp!)  I got really, really mad this morning that I just couldn't make someone understand what I was trying to do.  Really, really mad is not a comfortable emotion for me.  My whole life I've been a stifler.  So really, really mad usually ends in: a) suppression of anger/ anxiety over not feeling like I really can be angry, or b) expression of anger/ guilt that I let myself get mad.

Today was option b.  Anger + time = guilt and discomfort.

And really, the what and the why don't matter except to say that these are the kind of things one has to deal with on a regular basis if one is, let's say, a member of the participating adult world.  (Read: if one is not still hiding out at a hotel for Nerd Camp.)  There's nothing odd or unusual about having to deal with stupid paperwork and frustrating situations.  But today it was just too much for me.

I'm worried that I haven't written ANYTHING yet since I've been home.
I'm worried that it's been so long since my last run that my legs won't remember.
I'm worried about the papers I have to grade by the end of the week.
I'm worried about getting my grades uploaded on time.
I'm worried about lesson planning for the first week of the next semester.
I'm worried about the Christmas presents I still haven't purchased.
I'm worried about having enough energy to make it to Christmas.

Oddly enough, I was reading through old posts and I was doing this exact same thing last year.  No, not being a pissed off dork.  I was having a major case of the I'll-be-happy-when-s during finals week.  So there's a precedent here, and I know it will get better.  Somebody please tell the lump in my shoulder.

On a scale of one to bald, umbrella-wielding Britney Spears, though, I'm feeling like I'm about an 8.  This week needs to be over fast so I can sit around in my red sweat pants and rediscover myself.

1 comment:

  1. This post came at a great time for me...I've been doing a lot of the "I'll be happy when's" and this helps remind me to slow it down and take each day as it comes.
    Thank you!