Thursday, November 03, 2011

People of Starbucks:

An open letter, written while I was supposed to be writing literary critiques.

People of Starbucks:

You are annoying and gross tonight.

What the feez.  Is it Weirdo Night and nobody told me?

All I want is to write my papers, to ignore and be ignored.

But you needed to bring your dinner into Starbucks in Tupperware and eat it in the comfy chairs, slurping up spinach and sauce and rice and soggy squash with such trumpeting volume that I could hear you over my SERENE FREAKING PANDORA STATION blasting into my ear buds?  Really?  And was FISH the best choice to have with that sloppy, sagging spinach?  Could you have maybe gone for something else in that little plastic tub you hauled inside when you set up your quasi-picnic in a G.D. place of business?  No?  Mmkay.  You stink.  Why is nobody asking you to put away your FISH???  And you needed to pick the spinach out of your teeth after you ate it?  REALLY?  WITH YOUR FINGERS? Tooth pickin' while you talked on cell phones rather than to each other?  Come on.  I'm trying to work, here, Slurpies.

Oh, and hey there, couple of LOUD TALKERS.  You thought out of a whole restaurant of empty tables, the best one looked like it was right next to me, the nerdy girl typing away on her laptop?  So you could talk about your marriage problems real loud?  And you wanted to go ahead and push your chairs closer to me?  Really?  Seriously?  I mean, really.  P.S. I'm totally judging you, Loud Man, for ordering that Frappuccino with whipped cream.  Just go ahead and hand over your Man Card.

Maybe if you people leave I can enjoy my tea in peace.



  1. YES! Finally. Can we add to this the obnoxious loud laughers, the flouncy fidgety middle aged nuts, the door runners, the bathroom bandits and the indecisive quacks that ask about every thing on the menu?

  2. What is a flouncy fidgety middle aged nut? And what is a door runner? Just curious. I am a high energy (probably fidgety but never flouncy) middle aged ~husband would say~ nut. I do try to curb these things in public places. Starbucks is the size of a small walk in closet. And I don't drink coffee. And I gotta be honest, no clue what a door runner is so I may be one...