Thursday, September 29, 2011

Happies



Don't tell E, because I'm pretty sure it will make him raise an eyebrow about how much time I'm devoting to my reading so far (he'll say you're not supposed to like school, it's school...), but I am really enjoying this new MFA deal. Granted, I'm only four days in and nobody in a writing group has crushed my hopes and dreams yet, but I spent two hours reading for school tonight and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I shouldn't be enjoying it this much.

Or maybe I should.  Is that the point?  Or maybe I should not question why I am enjoying myself so much and just let myself steep in it a bit so I'll get through the dry spells.

Yeah, I should do that second thing.

I guess I am discovering that joy that comes with 1) knowing what I really want to do, 2) being older and understanding myself and my own natural schedule a little better and 3) not being tied down by BS that's unrelated to the one thing I really want to absorb--reading and writing.  I have so much work to do, but it's so independent.  It's basically this: read a lot.  Write a lot.  Check in with me when you are finished with the second part.

Okay!

It helps that I've created my own reading list and will be asked to do that for the duration of the program.  Don't worry, I'm not sitting on my laurels.  I finished a lovely memoir on Tuesday, I'm listening to a crazy-good audio book when I run, and I'm about halfway through another beautiful, heart-wrenching novel that I borrowed from my grandpa.

I'm reading my patoot off.  But it's all great writing; it is warming me from within like the steady heat of a wood stove.  I'm reading a ton but it doesn't feel the same as freshman year at UC Davis, when I was plodding through Paradise Lost and Robinson Crusoe.  I've been there--and I'm glad--but now I feel like I'm on a scavenger hunt to find my voice.  I'm narrowing my sense of like and dislike with a distinct purpose.

It's making me so incredibly happy. I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Goodnight, Internet.

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