Saturday, July 09, 2011

My Crazies would look better in Givenchy.

I had a panic attack last night.  Yep.  That was fun.  It's been a while, and every time there's a break I believe I'm done with that whole thing.  Every time I appear to be wrong.

No, I'm not having the Crazies all the time as I was a few years ago, but after dinner with some friends I wound myself into such a frenzy that I couldn't sleep.  As it is, from time to time, last night was bad because the heavy dread and cold didn't seem to come from anywhere.  There was no awful thing I could pin it on--rather, it was a thread of apprehension that began winding through my mind in the morning and by evening I was fighting a tingly spine and heavy arms.  Anxiety is a bitch.  Holly Golightly was right about the mean reds.

Of course I know a few things contributed, set the stage for a slam-bang crazy show.  I didn't get to bed the night before until 2:00 AM.  I am nothing if not a regular sleep-needer.  I had a frustrating week that left me feeling defeated.  I didn't run enough.  A few relationship-y things are eating at me because I haven't figured out the right way to address them yet.  My house and chores got away from me, so things are cluttered and need doing by me.

Not that a cluttered house makes me nuts... it's just one more stress in my basket, one more thing to take care of.  I saw my work friends last night which was lovely, but as we talked of school that cord of worry from the end of the year began to tighten itself around my innards.  I'd managed to lay it down for most of June.  As we talked of challenges at work, I picked it back up and let it twist inside of me again.  Then of course I started to worry about the schedule for today: that I wasn't going to have enough time to run/clean/cook/get to where we're supposed to be at noon.

So I bailed on my run for today.  Extra credit to you if you already figured that out because I'm blogging on my couch and not out on the trail.  I'm sad and I feel like I let my running friends down, but something had to give.  By the time I recognized the anxiety in myself, tried to acknowledge its source, I was so far into it and I couldn't do much but wait it out.

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