Friday, May 13, 2011

On the home front

I'm so glad Blogger is back up and working. Mini-freakout, over.

Last night I sat in the spa as day turned to night.  There's a tree across the street that glows a bright umber by the streetlight, and I watched it sway back and forth against the black sky while I soaked my sore legs.  My vegetable plants pushed silently skyward behind me.  I know they're as impatient for summer and hot weather as I am.  My brain felt restless like the leaves in the blowing tree.  I'm unsettled now, going on a few weeks.

I wish I could pin it on one thing.  There was no pressing issue, no avoided anger, yet I felt the familiar unrest that comes with May.  I can feel it hovering above me in the air, hummingbird anxiety, waiting to land on something.  Maybe it's that I don't like the end of things.  Maybe it's that I don't like uncertainty.  Maybe it's pressure I'm putting on myself to get a certain number of things done in a summer before I leap into the great unknown that is my MFA program.  Maybe it's that I've slowly but surely tied my sense of identity to my job, my school, and those things are changing more than I anticipated.

"Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work," said Anna Quindlen.  Sounds easy, but what about when you like your coworkers?  What about when you build relationships that blur the lines of work?  What about feeling comfortable in your space?  What happens when you let your guard down and then the rug goes out from under you?  I'm trying to put this out of my head.  Still.

Home is unsettled too.  Though E and I have balanced the teeter-totter of our relationship, I never trust it.  Moments of disagreement about his car (the old one, Maude), money, the significance of holidays and birthdays... these make me uneasy.  I can tell I'm not in a place to handle conflict very well.  There have been a bunch in recent weeks.  I hold on to the memory of a feeling long after a fight is resolved, anyway; knowing that it isn't healthy doesn't seem to make it any easier.  Last week we argued one night after the kids went to bed, but Ad heard something I said.  Something rotten.  Something born out of frustration, as are all bad thoughts.  Something better kept to myself.  Poor Roo.  Nothing makes you come face-to-face with your own ugliness like seeing the reaction on your child's face.  We talked to her, but again... it's just a manifesting of this tightness that hangs in the air.  A need to fix a thing between us easily turns into a need to fix a thing in our family.  It isn't pretty, but that's being a parent, right?  And E, God bless him, he texted me the next morning to say I'm glad things are better than last night even if not fixed.  You're worth fighting for.  I love you.

Last night before the spa I cooked up a storm--my version of getting the crazies out without having to leave the house.  The heat of the kitchen normally precedes a feeling of calm, but right now the nights when I don't run just seem too long.  Rather, maybe they are too long to not go out into and live.  I feel like that can't be done until school is over.  I end up spending an inordinate amount of time pestering E and watching every reality TV show known to man.  At least I had some fancy bread and chocolate chip cookies to show for it.  At least in that way I can give love to my loved ones, since I'm not exactly captain of the Awesome Team right now.

Sometimes I think oh, I won't blog right now.  The Crazies are as overdone of a topic as I could find to write about.  But then I realize that in the spirit of capturing moments of my life, I should.  This is where I am right now, the May Crazies.  I feel like I have to hold on--it's the last mile of the race and I can't stop here even though my body wants to quit.  Once the memory of this moment fades I'll sign up for another round.   It's amazing, really.  It's also amazing to know that as soon as I'm released into the wild of stay-at-home mothering for the summer I'll be happy as a clam.


  1. You and E have a relationship worth fighting for... glad he reminded you of that. I can't imagine the uncertainty floating around the schools right now as people prepare to be moved, or let go. It's a stressful time. But you know how to keep your head above water, you've done it before - and you know what you're capable of!

  2. What a sweet text E sent you...I'm sorry that you're feeling the crazies. I think everyone is having a case of them...I'm not in education but I live in Cali and everything just seems to be a little crazy, gas prices, the political world is kind of in upheavel...I think just in general things are crazy.

  3. Sadly, the emotions you're feeling seem to be the same as people in all of my world. I hope that the "crazies" go away soon for you and that life gets a little more calm once the month of May is over. :)