Friday, May 20, 2011

Just like that, another year gone.

Oh expectation, you set me up for the grumpies all the time.

Here I was thinking I'd finish school today and peace would instantaneously wash over me like water. I'd walk out of there full of swag, like I might see Han Solo in my own reflection on my way to a killer flashmob... I'd steer my car away simultaneously giving the haters a mental flip-off while smiling to myself about how my Summer Awesome Cup was about to run over.


Instead I spent most of the afternoon thinking about how summer means I won't see much of my friends for a while and lamenting how angrysadnotamusedandfranklyscaredtodeath I am that I just don't know what the heck I'll be teaching next year. Thanks, California. And really, even if I promise my next puppy to Rumpelstiltskin and end up with a full schedule of English, many of my friends will not return to work at my school. A full schedule of the subject I've been teaching (read: training in, working toward, slaving away at) for ten years seems as mythical (or at least as intangible, right now) as spun gold. I hate not knowing, and I hate knowing I won't know for a long time even more. I suck at patience, and I'm even worse when my super Spidey-sense tells me there's change in the air. Yeck.

At least I'm home.

Yes, at least I'm home. I need to remind myself that like any other year it will take a good two weeks to reenter the atmosphere of my real life. I won't stop lesson-planning while I run, waking early in the morning to wonder what I'm teaching that day, or checking my calendar to see what events conflict with the kids' for at least that long. Life will get really small and only then will this feel completely comfortable. I'm not complaining until then, just saying it feels weird. I'll take weird at home any day over weird at work, though. There's a teeny tiny baby kitty here. Squee!

I need the time off for as I said on Facebook this morning, teaching is like giving birth. Nobody would ever sign on for another round without the blessing of time to help smooth the memory. I know I need the rest, even if I don't trust it yet.

Our house is a pit and I know once I get that cleaned I can relax in it. Our veggie drawer looks like a science experiment of wet, decomposing plants in plastic baggies. Our bathrooms are at THREAT LEVEL FRAT HOUSE. All of this contributes to my non-comfort tonight.

So that's about it, internet. I feel uneasy tonight but in the back of my mind I'm happy that there's a whole lot of free time ahead. I'm glad this year is checked off, done, finito. Kid-wise, it was great. Probably my best five classes in a long time. Bullshit-wise? Not my favorite year. I'm channelling my inner Honey Badger.

Up first for summer? A 5:20 AM pick-up by Kel to run an unknown number of miles tomorrow. I better get to bed!

1 comment:

  1. So I'm not good at knowing or waiting or whatever you want to call it. That having been said, apparently our sermon at church this weekend is "Trusting in the Wait" ( will have the podcast if you want to check it out next week). Enjoy your deep cleaning and I'm looking forward of all of your summer posts!