Monday, April 11, 2011

Combo Food Fail

I stood by the trunk of a spindly tree, cracking peanut butter pretels open with my teeth: holding half in my mouth as I did a slight lean forward to let the peanut butter filling fall to the grass. I looked around to make sure nobody was watching, then I popped the other salty half of the empty shell into my yap and readied another nugget. Around me girls grabbed Dixie cups of Sunny D and settled into the schoolyard grass, unaware of my crack-and-drop routine. Little gobs of peanut butter hailed around my feet. I was glad nobody sat in one, but they looked too icky to eat.

I was 31.91 years old.

Last week I gave my combo-food finickiness a whirl after jogging a few laps with Roo. I don't mean to sound like a big food-waster (even though I am) but I think there's something sick about most combo foods. There's no logic or reason to this preference, so just abandon hope of finding one right now.

I thought I'd give peanut butter pretzels another shot. I hoped that my childish disgust for such things had faded along with fear of brussels sprouts and inability to call adults back. Nope. Peanut butter? Good. Pretzels? Good. Peanut butter inside pretzels? Goes against nature.

Just sayin'.

Just look at them. So smug.

If God wanted there to be peanut butter inside my pretzels, I'm sure they would grow that way on the pretzel tree.

Dipping is another subject altogether. Please don't interrupt while I'm ranting.

Let's see, other examples of gross food combos... Cheese and crackers ain't great either, if we're being honest. The "cheese" is less like cheese than it is like orange Oreo lard filling. I like cheese. I love me some crackers. But both the cheese and cracker suffer in quality when they get into combos. (edited: not real cheese and real crackers. The kind that comes in a pack with cheese-like product squeezing out of holes. Ew.)

The only exception to this made up, ridiculous rule is Chocolate, which God created to go with everything. Amen. (See: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the Book of Awesome.)

I also don't really like it when a "food" (note air bunnies?) is created just because 99% of our "flavors" (there they are again) are made up so they can be put anywhere. Par example: Just because popcorn is a thing and jellybeans are a thing, doesn't mean we need popcorn flavored jellybeans as a thing.

For the love of God.

I have to believe that if there's some teleological purpose, popcorn jellybeans are evidence that we've effed it up. There is no possible end game that involves those abominations, ergo we're doomed.

Other bad idea combos: Lunchables. Where the "lunch" is hardly "able" to hold a candle to such upstanding citizens of the deli counter as lunchmeat and (again) cheese. The combo somehow means quality goes out the window. Look, we cry, things in containers. I don't have to do the work of thinking about what I like to eat with other foods.

I'm getting pretty grumpy as I write this post and that's pretty ridiculous. This all started with me laying in bed thinking about how lame peanut butter pretzels are. The part of me that's rational also wants to add the caveat that meat wrapped in anything is the other exception to this rule (see: corndogs).

I was going to give you a list of other examples, but basically anything shaped like a nugget with goopy stuff inside? Not a fan. Don't send me pro-PBP hate mail. I'll just delete it. You'll never change me because I'm a cranky old woman.

Of course, I could be off my rocker and in ten years we'll all be surviving off peanut butter pretzels because the sun burned up and they're the only thing that exists after the nuclear holocaust. In that case, I owe you a nugget.


  1. And I just raved on the glory of apples dipped in peanut butter. I am normally very anti-fruit and anything salty (ie. pineapple on pizza.. even worse that it's cooked pineapple), but I have the apple-peanut butter thing a try last year and am in LOVE :)

  2. Peanut butter pretzels are the world's grossest snack food. I'm with you on that. Yuck.

    But cheese and crackers? Seriously? Best snack ever. Throw in some salami and we've got a party!

  3. Not real cheese and real crackers. I mean that gross kind that comes in a pack with cheese goo squeezing out the cracker holes. Or the kind with a red stick. :) I wasn't specific enough. :)

  4. hahahahaha...this post was awesome! It was completely awesome even though I totally disagree with you :) Peanut butter pretzels are awesome! Along with Ritz snack cracker sandwiches...Yum! Right when I started to protest, you asked me to not interrupt. But the cheese that you spread with a read stick is pretty nasty...