Tuesday, February 01, 2011

This.



This one isn't mine, she's April's. I was just borrowing.

Not that I was foolin' anybody with my well-rested eyes and my well-fed belly that's clearly a result of eating whenever I feel hungry.

I babysat for all of a half hour today. It was so nice--just the two of us. I got in my smells (see above) and we watched Oprah together. She didn't make a sound the entire time; she just smiled breathy baby smiles out of pink cupcake cheeks. Over and over she turned the remote control in her delicate fingers.

She studied my face, and I hers.

In addition to baby scent, I'm fond of the plump area just outside the eye, the soft temple. Hers is smooth as granite, tender as a ripe tomato. I love the soft round of the base of the cheek as well; I know it is unique to this age. The inside of her fist is warm, but her little finger pads cool the skin at my arm. She is a cornucopia of happy images.

Shifting her from hip to lap always feels natural and familiar, but today it was a walking dream. I was dancing choreography from an old show. It's hard to think that when I held my own daughter I couldn't appreciate the brevity of the cupcake-cheek. But you can't know its power until you miss it. I could breathe it in back then as often as I thought of it, but looking back I feel like the constant fatigue and insecurity of new motherhood dulled my ability to absorb.

E and I are done. Permanently. So now each time I hold a baby is a little let-go of a time I loved. True, it's also a release of the responsibility of so many sleepless nights and the time in my life when I had to--had to--put someone else before myself 24 hours a day. I've made my peace with our decision, but holding her sharpens the point a bit.



2 comments:

  1. Busy is probably one of the cutest babies ever. So jealous you got to hang out with her today! :-)

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  2. Thank you for the reminder that this time will go by quickly and to enjoy every minute of it. I hugged Jordyn a little tighter and played a little more and laughed a lot more with her after reading this blog.

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