Sunday, January 16, 2011

How to be the worst seatmate in the history of the movie-watching world

Last night E and I saw The Fighter.  The movie was well-done, gritty, realistic.  This realism, however, paled in comparison to the obstuse behavior of our seatmates.  I don't normally go to the movies on a Saturday night, so I had a nice reminder of how people behave.  I therefore present to you,

How to be the worst seatmate in the history of the movie-watching world:

1) Come in late.
2) Talk as though you're at home in your living room.
3) Crawl over everyone, pick a noisy, broken seat.
4) Fall into the seat, then realize it really is broken, so move over to the empty seat directly next to me.
5) Make sure your bluetooth is still on your ear.
6) For optimum annoyance, leave the bluetooth on so the blue light goes blink blink blink in my eye.
7) Grunt every ten minutes or so.  Twitch.  Tap your feet.
8) Sing along with the movie's soundtrack, making sure to be ever-so-slightly behind the lyrics How do you like me now--me now; How do you like-like me now--me now.
9) Lean back as far as you can in your seat so you take up as much legroom for the person behind you as you can.
10) Choose a seat directly in front of us, and wear your hair piled high like it's 1965.
11) Ask obvious questions in a really loud voice.
12) Answer obvious questions (e.g.: What is he doing now?) With even more obvious answers (HE'S GOING TO SMOKE SOME MORE CRACK!)  Alternately: repeat lines of dialogue as though they are the best thing you've ever heard.  Repeat them a lot.  Just say what the people on the shiny screen say.
13) Bring your children to a movie laced with the F-word; invite them to go in and out of the theater throughout the movie whenever they please.
14) Have your wife rub your shoulder on the side closest to me as LOUD AS SHE CAN.  Make sure you say mmm in that really awkward way that you should save for your private time.
15) Turn your head to look at me a lot while I watch the film.  Be all up in my bubble.
16) Sing some more.
17) Do not under any circumstances wash yourself or your clothes before you come to the theater.
18) Death-breath? A must. Also, loud nose-breathing.
19) Laugh at things (like poverty, racist comments, crack addiction) that are clearly not supposed to be the funny parts of the movie.
20) Take the armrest.

Yeah, I'm picky about watching movies.

Cranky McCrankerson


  1. O.M.G.

    That definitely tops my worst movie watching experience.

    But let me just say, people in California take movies a bit more seriously then people in other states. I once saw a movie when I was traveling in Texas, and it was HORRIBLE. People were talking all over the theater (and not just next to me). People answered phones (and no one seemed to care). Kids were running in and out of the emergency exit--and it was daytime so sunlight kept filtering in and hitting the screen. And to top it all off, not one, BUT TWO people were pointing red laser pointers on the screen. They were certain to point at women's boobs and the crotches of men.

    Fortunately, I was seeing a horrible movie and the distraction was more entertaining.

  2. I hate when people are rude in the theaters! Annoys me to no end, I usually pick the latest show just to avoid the crowds!

  3. I would add taking your shoes AND socks off. Then pick at your feet very loudly before putting them on the chair in front of you, in which, yes, someone is actually sitting. Ew, ew and EW! Happened during Country Strong and I almost lost my dinner.

  4. I hear ya! I hate to go to the movies in the evenings. I get so frustrated with all the intrusions that I wish I was at home in my comfy chair, wearing comfy clothes, eating my healthy snacks and no one behind me kicking my seat.

    We usually hit the matinée with the senior citizens. LOL!

  5. Haha I LOVE this! Can we make this check list a mandatory read for every person who wishes to purchase a ticket?! On Christmas day we went to the movies and it was packed, so we had to sit in the second to last row on the far left. Apparently this section is reserved for weirdos. The guy directly behind me was breathing super loud out of his nose and when I turned around what I saw was horrific: he was FLOSSING!!! I about died.