Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I was kidnapped by aliens today. They're crafty, those aliens. They didn't just take me like some ordinary kidnapper. They invaded my iPhone first and set the alarm for the ungodly hour of 6:30 AM. They possessed my body and marched it through the motions of putting on sweatpants and brushing teeth. Then they made me drive to their mother ship and lay down in a tan vinyl chair as they shined a bright light right into my cornea.

These aliens looked friendly enough--to someone who doesn't know better. But I saw past their pseudo-human disguises of caked mascara and highlighted hair. I saw them for their truth, and it was an ugly, ugly truth.

They pried my mouth open with a wedge, then they asked me questions I was physically incapable of answering. All I managed was a poor "Uh wuuth uuhhh uhh aaah ahhhh..." They poured water on my teeth, only to suck it out again with some sort of tube (one that, I might add, they jammed down my throat "accidentally" from time to time). They poked me with needles...I was numb to my eyebrows. They pulled my mouth so hard I thought my nostril might dislocate. Then it got really bad. The aliens drilled holes in my teeth. The sound was unbearable, like screeching cats. The faint taste of burnt tooth caked my tongue, which was held hostage by a pair of uncompromising cotton rolls.

These aliens then filled the holes they drilled, sat me up, and pushed me back out into the world, stunned. It's a wonder I lived to tell the story. One of the aliens even said it was her first week on the job.

Lord help me.

On an unrelated note, thanks for all your kind words about yesterday's post. I'm truly okay, but I think I needed to talk about it to deal with the weight of the situation, especially in light of my past miscarriage. I had been feeling like nobody was reading anything I wrote anymore, so a happy consequence was reconnecting with lots of people who give a flying fig about what's going on in our lives. Thank you. It always means to me than you know when I hear from you. :)


  1. I still read, and I give flying figs (and flying rat butts too, as I'm fond of saying), but sometimes it's hard to know what to say...

  2. @Katherine: Totally understand. No pressure to comment. Just nice to know people are out there. :)

  3. Awesome post!!! I never fully understood the horrors of the dentist office until a couple weeks ago when I had my first cavity filled. I am so glad you lived through it!