Friday, April 09, 2010

"This bread is so good it tastes like it's made of Jesus..."

and other things that fall out of my mouth when I've tipped back a few.

I'll get to the Jesus bread in a second, but here's the last in my series of posts about Maui.

Those of you who read my tweets know that I have trouble sleeping in. Add in a time change, and you have the recipe for me waking up at about 4:30 AM every morning we were in Maui. Most of the time I was able to go back to sleep, or at least lay there and amuse myself on my iPhone until about 6:00, but it drove me nuts. I have all of the want-to of a good sleeper-inner, but none of the ability.

Ask any mom. When the kids come, you're spend all of your time wishing you could get a full night's sleep, or a hot meal, or a good chunk of sleep-ins on Saturdays. But the kids start sleeping through the night and then your body betrays you. Your bladder won't let you sleep all night, your increasing waistline won't let you enjoy that hot dinner, and your internal alarm clock goes off with a blaring BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP every weekend right before the sun rises. Just nature, being cruel. By the time you can enjoy life again, your body is giving you the middle finger.

One of our last days in Maui I decided to get up early and run five miles. Juuuuuuuuuuust kidding. I brought my running clothes, but I never quite felt like it. Instead, I hightailed it over to the mini McDonald's in The Whaler mall, ordered myself a sausage McMuffin (oh no she di-int!) and proceeded to get in the way of all the "healthies" on the beach path. Take that, fitness fanatics. I strolled until I was out of food, then I popped into a hotel Starbucks for some Venti sized happy. My latte and I then proceeded to meander through all of the pool and garden areas of the neighboring hotels. Such good people watching!

And plant watching...

Pink Hibiscus at the Hyatt on Ka'anapali Beach
And animal watching...
Little bit of wildlife from the gardens
No whales that morning, though I kept a careful eye to the horizon for splashes. All I saw was a whole lot of (another) island.
Island that is viewable from the beach... Mom will remember the name. I can't.
I only saw two whales during our trip, and they were both pretty far away. We didn't have time to go out on a whale watch, but it seemed as though the sightings were few and far between that week. We were there at the end of whale season anyway. Plus, the wind picked up and the sea was crazy for the last two-thirds of the trip. No way I was getting on a boat in those conditions. Barfy McPukersauce was not going to make an appearance. The first whale I saw through binoculars while I was sipping coffee on the balcony at the hotel. The second I saw as we were driving to our manta ray dive. Someday I'd like to see them up close.

After we got the whole money thing settled, we decided that we should probably plan some kind of nice dinner for our anniversary. Our real anniversary is April 15, so we were counting this trip as an early celebration. (The anniversary of our vow renewal last year after our separation is May 17, but we decided not to complicate things. E convinced me that all of my crazies last spring about our "real" anniversary and people judging us because of our struggles were unfounded. We got married ten years ago, and no matter what hardships we've had, we are going to celebrate that day and celebrate that we're together now.) We decided to make a reservation at Ruth's Chris on one of the last nights. We've been once before, in Sacramento. Words can't describe this food.

{Keeping it real: we had a HUGE, retarded fight on the way to dinner. the reason isn't important, but it was bad. And you know what? Stuff happens. That's how it is sometimes. And I'm not embarrassed about that. We did what we know how to do now and we worked through it and we had an awesome dinner. And we were happy. But I don't want you to read this and think "oh, they're so perfect, look at their annoying vacation, they're all in love and they never fight now," because that's BS. I quoted him before, but it's like Dr. Phil says, "marriage is an imperfect union of two willing souls." --We were being totally imperfect, but we were also willing to work through it. The end.}

So we arrived early to our reservation, and the leggy, tattooed (is everyone, in Hawaii?) hostess slipped us a coupon with a quick caveat that "[we'd] had that coupon for a long time." We took a seat in the bar and checked it out--it was for a free appetizer. Schweet! Everything at Ruth's Chris costs a billion and a half dollars (and PS, nearly the entire dinner was funded by a more-than-generous Visa gift card from my Dancing Queen friends, so it was brought to us by the letters D and Q), so we were happy for a free app. We ordered the barbecue shrimp, with basically no expectations.

YOU GUYS, if I only ever get one more good thing to eat before I die, I want it to be those shrimp. For the love of Pete and all things Holy, those shrimp cold bring back the dead. They could make a blind man see and a deaf man hear. Buttery, perfectly spiced BBQ shrimp with a little dollop of mashies (mashed potatoes, duh!). The bartender asked if we wanted some bread (yes) and the fact that I'd downed a lemon drop about the strength of nail polish remover has nothing to do with the fact that as I tasted it, I proudly exclaimed, "this bread is so good it tastes like it's made of Jesus..." (well, what I actually said first was a little more sloppy and not as funny, but I amended it and then promptly asked E if that was offensive to his (once)[and generally lazy] Catholic heritage.

And then we had a serious conversation about transubstantiation vs the Protestant take on things, which I'm sure I dig way more just because I'm an English teacher and I like symbols. Yes, I'm serious. (No offense meant to anyone, of course. No debates. Only sharing to demonstrate a typical evening with E. You can disagree with me and we're still homies, mmkay?)

So, lemony Jesus talk over, we were taken to our table where I sucked down a glass of red wine (sipped is more like, and I'll ignore the other half of the Communion comparisons) and a salad, some crab, more mashies, and half a blue cheese-crusted fillet. Oh, and more bread. GIVEN FOR ME, get it?

Okay, I will stop. I don't want to appear flippant, because I'm not. Just trying to be funny. There is no try. Only do.

So after we commit our gluttonous sin, I ask the waiter to take our photo. It is our 10th wedding anniversary, after all. *wink*

H and E, (almost) 10th anniversary dinner
You know what he did? He brought us chocolate covered strawberries and champagne! Aw...

Free stuff!
Anyone who knows me personally knows what a serious lightweight I am, and I am no match for a strong lemon drop or glass of red wine. So... by the time I had my glass of champagne, um...

I thought everything this guy said was SO FUNNY.
Yeah, I don't know...
And I took this picture. Forgive me, Lord. Also for all that stuff I said about the awesome Jesus bread. I meant it as a compliment (to you and the bread).

I spent the rest of the evening stumbling strolling through Lahaina with E telling me to stop running into pillars.

View from the Lahaina Fish Co. where we ate the last night
Our last night we chose a Front Street restaurant called Lahaina Fish co. They did not have Jesus bread. And honestly, the view was better than the fish. I'm spoiled, because E really does grill up the best fish. Ever.

It was a great trip!
We had so much fun. We missed the kids like crazy--I think we'll probably take them when we go back. If any of you are looking for a wonderful place to stay in Maui, here's the link to my parents' condo again. Here's the post I wrote about the condo itself. Be sure to tell them you saw the condo on my blog.


  1. It looks like you guys had so much fun on your trip! I'm glad you had a chance to get it was well-deserved. Congrats on 10 years together!!

  2. Oh, you funny little monkey. I'd love to be drunk with you. I just finished eating a late dinner and now I'm thinking I might grab a piece of bread. Why? Because you blogged about bread tasting like jesus. I blame tonight's carbs on you.