Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Vienna Sausage* and a Bachelor Untruth

*Amazing nickname for Vienna via Tonja (via ML).

I haven't even watched the whole thing yet. It's saved on my DVR because I only watched the last ten minutes of the episode (no "after the rose" yet) and passed out 20 minutes in to Law and Order.

However, I have thoughts.

I know I'm like the 800th person to blog about this today, but Vienna? Really, Jake? Really, writers of a scripted reality show? I mean, we all know it's not real, right? It's sooooo not real. But if it wasn't real, why have him end up with the bottom of the fake tan and blonde extension barrel? Why? I suppose it's so we'll talk about it. HERE I AM, ABC. IT WORKED. UGH.

But, whatever. I stopped watching The Bachelor like four years ago because not only did the message bug me (Big Love reference, anyone?) but I was bored. Not sure if I'm hanging around anymore. Not sure I'm proud of getting sucked into the black hole that was this season, but I got pulled in by that whole Roz thing. Ooh, Roz, you skanky.

(This is, of course, in contrast to all the other skanks, who skank only in certified, Bachelor host-blessed skankdom. Think about it.)

My beef with last night's ep (yes, from the 10 minutes I watched so far) was Jake's reason for not choosing Tenley, and how he explained it to her. I'm paraphrasing, because it's not worth it enough for me to go in the bedroom and replay the exact quote, but he said something like "it has to be natural if it's love. We shouldn't have to work at it. I felt like I had to work at it with you."

Qualifying thought: I don't care that he dumped her. Well, I do, because Tenley (according to Gia) sh*ts rainbows, and in my book that's preferable to him marrying a $3 hooker, but my bigger problem is that reason he gave her for the ol' sendoff. I would have preferred he just said you know, I want to be with Vienna [Sausage] because I'm a horn dog. Peace out, Ten Spot. But by telling Tenley that love shouldn't be work, Jake/The Bachelor franchise reaffirms the idea that love is only love if it's Hollywood love--spine-tingling, all-encompassing love where you're all I know you, and he chimes in with I walked with you once upon a dreaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm...

is that. But not love, not real love, not marriage. *Reminds herself that nothing on The Bachelor is real* I mean, I can give you one guess as to why he felt that for old Vulgar Used Up Sausage, and it probably had something to do with her slutting it up all the time. Oh my, he must have thought, Vienna Sausage, you're so FRIENDLY. My heart just ached a little for viewers who might have taken what Jake said to heart and applied it to their own relationships. (e.g. I have to work at my relationship, therefore it must not be right.) Because infatuation should feel like what Jake's describing, but infatuation is only what makes you interested in someone. Infatuation is so fleeting. Love--the marrying kind--is work even when it's good. It doesn't come naturally 100% of the time. It just doesn't.

I just wonder why his crazy net sifted out Michelle, but Venereal Snausage managed to stay in this thing for the win. I'm going to watch the rest of it tonight as I meditate on the phrase "because it's not real."


  1. He didn't want something real with Tenley so he went with something(s) fake with Sausage.

  2. OMGoodness, I have to have my mom read your post. I have not seen one minute of the show (working Monday pms). But, your writing is so dead on, and hilarious, and real, and I concur with your premise (and all your great puns crack me up).

  3. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so sick of the stupid hollywood love fakeness crap. HAHA..and I love the reference to Sleeping Beauty...since that is what I used to think of love. Marriage has not been easy for me at all. And I LOVE how you are so honest with all of your readers. It makes me feel like i'm not alone in the world of hard marriage. Yeah i'm over the Bachelor too. And anyone that watches it has to know it's fake...all of the crying and cringing. Yeah i'm over it. Oh and when you do watch after the ring ceremony the whole I love you and you will always have a friend thing is a little weird to me. I mean I am not one to criticize friendships of the opposite sex but it was just a little over kill.

  4. Heather,
    I haven't watched the show, in fact I hate it, but I could tell just by looking at Vienna that she was a stanky skank. I lurve all your descriptions of everything.....hilarious!

  5. *puke* hehe... never liked Vienna sausages anyway. My prediction.. they'll live happily ever after... for 6 more months :) hehe

  6. I only watch the last 4 episodes of The Bachelor because I can't stand watching a house full of women being catty. And I was literally cursing Jake's decision at the end of the show. I personally think he has commitment issues and chose the girl that he thought may not work out in the end (Sausage Skank) as opposed to the absolute perfect girl for him (Tenley). He chose physical chemistry as opposed to emotional chemistry.
    I'll be celebrating when my Us Weekly magazine announces Jake and Sausage's breakup in 4-6 months.