Sunday, January 31, 2010

I Enjoy Being a Girl

Ah, the restorative properties of some pampering and a trip to the mall! I've been looking forward to gettin' my shop on. I needed some new underwear. I wanted to get out of the house.

Stop #1: free pedicure courtesy of a gift card I've been saving. I purposefully haven't used a lot of my gift cards while we were hurting for money because I knew that being out and spending money was going to make me want to spend more money. I think that's how the stores lure customers in--we didn't have any extra so I was holding my freebies pretty tightly for a while.

I discovered what I think is my new favorite nail color, "My Private Jet" by Opi. Whatever that retarded name means, it's a sparkly warm grey-purple-brown. Awesome. I might have to wait until it goes on sale at Ulta and buy one.

Stop #2: Supercuts for the monkeys. Addie's overgrown A-line and the boy's bedhead chic needed to hit the road. Henry requested that the lady cut his hair "just like Daddy's." After I explained what that was, she did a really good job. I love his little faux-hawk.

Stop #3: McDonald's, to pay the bribe I promised if they'd be good at the hairdresser. Also, to keep them quiet on the drive to the mall.

Stop #4: Macy's, to spend another gift card I've been saving. I found a pair of dark brown Blowfish flats I liked, and they were marked down (I thought) to only $17. When I asked the salesperson to get me my size, she said that wasn't the price, but the aisle number. Boo. She said they were half off of $39.99, and she'd go grab my size. 20 bucks for Blowfish flats is decent, but I wasn't sure. I couldn't remember if my gift card was for $20 or $25. When she came back with a box, she said they didn't have any more of those in my size, but she'd give me this pair of light tan shoes for the same price, which turned out to be $15.60. COLOR ME HAPPILY SURPRISED. Sold.

Happy feet.

I used the other $8 on the card to buy a pair of chonies, but I'll get to Chonie Theory later.

Mostly I spent my time at the mall asking Henry not to jerk his sister's arm off, hop in circles around me, shout, or hide in clothing racks. He wasn't too big a bother, but he was a little antsy since he had to endure a lot of shoe shopping and bra shopping. We made up for that with a lot of escalator riding. We rode the escalator today like it was our job.

Stop #5: VS. I love VS because I know I can walk in and find chonies in the right size every single time, in a perfectly-fitting microfiber style that won't move or bunch or create a situation ending in the suffix "-toe" or any other horrid bit of underwear origami they can manage. VS makes chonies that stay put and don't annoy or need to be adjusted all day. ONLY APPARENTLY THEY DON'T MAKE THIS KIND ANYMORE. For the love of all things sacred, VS, WHAT THE FEEZ? I count on you for two things: comfy bras and life-altering chonies, and you go and ditch the latter, the best thing you ever had going, in favor of a third of a store full of wide side lace thongs? I like those as much as the next gal, but let's talk durability. If I'm shelling out 10 bucks a chonie in this economy, I want them to last, not get holes in them. Nobody is under any illusions about lace underwear being highly durable, correct? Ugh.

I went OFF on the salesgirl. No, I don't want to try your seamless supermodel whisper-thin blah blah blahs because they are just like wearing NOTHING and unfortunately something does need to come between me and my Calvins. Don't lie, you know they're just parchment paper with a VS tag stamped in the back. I think they make them out of those toilet seat covers. I want some MICROFIBER in my unmentionables, mmmkay? And no, I'm not going back to cotton. Ever tried running in cotton unders, honey? No? Cotton socks caused a golfball sized blister on my foot. Imagine, if you will, what cotton underwear is going to do for a runner when it's BETWEEN HER LEGS. Cotton unders are out like parachute pants. They were fun while they lasted, but let's face it: it's time to grow up.

So the poor little petite, black-clad salesgirl looks up at me with Disney character eyes and goes "um, we have some similar ones in the Pink department, you might want to give those a try?" In 3.2 seconds I was next door, praying I wasn't going to hear gasp-screech-Mrs.P? Is that you? from some 9th grader from my English class with her hand in the same underwear drawer. I was willing to give those chonies a try, AND I DID, but let me tell you that I am violating a personal rule I established sometime in my 20's about NOT WEARING ANY WORDS on my tush or, in this case, my... um... you get it. Not only do I think I'm too old to wear words on my ass, I don't really see why anybody wants to go around wearing a sign on their posterior that says "here's a preview of my stripper name, in case things don't work out with like, you know, college." Undies that say PINK? Can we just not?

But I bought them. I was desperate, okay? I tried to stay away from rainbows and cute sayings--does anybody else feel like the entire Pink line is simultaneously up-sexing young teens and perpetuating a baby-chic sexiness that is just creepy on people over 18? Well I do, and I bought the damn underwear anyway. Because it's that important to me that my lady parts have a nice microfiber home. I'm going to try these new ones out and in the meantime I'm going to focus all my nightly prayers on the marketing team for VS and hope that they come to their damn senses and put things back the way they should be in the world.

Come back to me, low rise body by Victoria thong. I'll never let go, thong. I'll never let go.

Stop #6: Nordstrom potty. Of course Henry told me he needed to go right now just as I tried on bra #52 out of 100. Or something. We hightailed it over to Nordy's for the best lil' woman's room in town.

Stop #7: Disney store. Kid PJs, lots of browsing and playing. They needed a break.

Stop #8: Shoe store. Nothing.

Stop #9: White House Black Market. Nothing again. But apparently Kayla works there??

Stop #10: Wherein I go all Tracy on the Cheap on ya. (Tracy, you would have been so proud of me today!) I found a $7 maxi dress at Forever 21. It will make a cute jumper over a tank or t shirt for school once it warms up, and in the summer it will be a good bathing suit cover or date dress. SEVEN DOLLARS. What now, world.

Stops #11-14: Build a Bear (I made them promise not to even ASK to buy anything and I'd take them), car, Cost Plus (no purchases) and Nordstrom Rack (no purchases).

I'm beat! I barely spent any money at all but I came home with a nice haul. It felt good to bargain hunt in an environment other than the meat aisle at Winco. I feel sufficiently reintroduced into the female world again.

This wasn't from today, but it was on my camera. It's from when I had Roo at school with me on Thursday. My little reader, reading The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Aww...


  1. What an awesome shopping day! I hit the mall up yesterday and spent a long time in VS...I was a little frustrated by their lack of selection for certain items. If they ever discontinue my fave undies I will throw a temper tantrum in the store, no joke!

  2. Seeing Addie reminded me of when she was still super young... I think maybe the only time I ever met her. She would do all the animal sounds and when you asked for a "cat" she would scrunch up her face all cute.. loved it!

  3. Woot woot! SO proud! Thanks for the shout out! That dress is awesome...I'm totally seeing it over a shirt, with tights and boots!
    All my bras and underwear come from Walmart. When I was pregnant and had to get a size bigger of, like, everything, I started buying them there and fell in love. At $2 a pop (and about $8 for bras) you can't beat it! That's my unsolicted cheap advice for the day! ;)

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  5. Look at Addie's adorable braid/pony tail!

    You definitely needed new chonies! But before I sign off for the evening (because Joe is beckoning me to bed) I'll leave you with three things:

    1. I have a couple pairs of Vickie's PINK underwear. I don't really get the name of the line either. I think it's weird that the word PINK is spelled out on my rear and not my crotch, but whatev.

    2. I also own mostly cotton underwear. I love my cotton underwear. I'm wearing a pair right now that says "Britney Who?"

    3. I want to wear grown-up microfiber underwear, but the shit's so expensive I always up with whatever junior miss cotton bikinis are on sale. In my opinion best chonies, the longest lasting chonies are sold at American Eagle. I own several pairs dating back to high school. I don't know if that's just sad or genius.