Friday, December 04, 2009

Anxietement

Anxiety and excitement: same thing?

There are approximately three lattes of energy in my veins right now, only I haven't had a drop of coffee. I can tell it's going to be a night where I have trouble falling asleep. Already I feel the anxiety buzzing in the air, just waiting for somewhere to land. There's no reason to be anxious tonight. Nothing to fear, but my body feels like I just got up to give a speech. It would be nice if someone could just tell my body to knock it off. There's no reason to feel disappointed about my day today or worried about my day tomorrow. Anxiety isn't logical like that.

I'm just amped up. I'm overstimulated. Today was a strange combination of anxiousness and excitement. One bleeds into the other like hair bleach out of a bad foil. Many, many times I've used that blending to my advantage. When I'm about to get on stage or get up in front of people to perform something, I consistently play a mind trick where I tell myself that the butterflies, the heartbeat in my throat and the chill in my spine are a result of my anxiousness to show my capabilities, not fear. I do the same thing on tests, particularly when writing. I feel that's helped me to overcome a lot of scary situations--I re-channel the physical feelings to something less threatening, something energizing. The situation becomes an opportunity, not a threat. Both anxiety and nervousness produce the same adrenaline-like energy. Often that thinking is quite an asset.

That feeling can occasionally go in reverse, though. On a day like today where I was alternately nervous (presentation at a meeting this morning), excited (planning an event at school), and giddy (picking out a family photo for my Christmas present), I'm left with one gargantuan melange of angst at the end of the night. Even after a major nerve-inducing presentation or performance is over, I run it again and again in my mind. Even after the excitement should be gone, I'm still dancing around about it. *Jazz Hands!*

I need to calm down. If it wasn't dark and freezing, I'd say I needed a run. Good Lord, that would get all this crazy right out of me. As it is, I think I need to drink some tea, sit alone in my bedroom for a bit, and calm the freak down. When I get like this--worried/anxious/nervous/wound up--for no reason at all, it takes conscious relaxation to let it go. The one thing I can't do is get worried about being worried. I just need to let it move through me. (Here's hoping there's no post-nerve crash to follow. That unfortunate occurrence is all too common.)

Gah. I thought writing about this could help. I think it's going to take putting down the computer. Peace.

2 comments:

  1. I totally get what your feeling and saying! I feel for you...hang in there, it'll pass!!! You need a treadmill. ;-)

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