Friday, November 06, 2009

SIGH.


Step one: Open WordPad.

Step two: Stare at screen, try to decide how much is too much to write about.

Last night wasn't fun. Last night I got all blearytearyupset and E got frustrated. Things are tense right now. He's about to get his Bar Exam results and we're not really sure where life is going to go from here. We should have our act together by now. If you've been reading this blog for a while, though, you'll know that we're probably not going to have our act together.

Every time I write about some normal day-to-day (or worse, even) struggle that E and I have, I feel like I have to add this disclaimer: we're happy together. We know we want to be together now. We're working through it. This doesn't mean that things are easy, though. Not at all. One of my main goals here is to be honest about when we have struggles and what it has looked like for us to put our life back together. Marriage is work, and I think our marriage is more work than the average marriage. I'm okay with it, but I don't want to freak any of you out.

So you might also remember that E had his heart set on a particular career path after law school that was not legal--and that door closed for him in a big way. He's moving on, but that's still kind of difficult to deal with and now he's left to think about what his career is going to look like. All of that would be a challenge if we'd had a "normal" year the last year, but a year ago we were separated and then we had so much to work on to come back together. So much about being separated and then not separated is just a mess. Sometimes all his career/ school turmoil on the heels of that gets to be overwhelming, for both of us. He's so tired--law school sucked the life from him. I can't even imagine how he's feeling right now, and I live with the dude. He's been in school basically since Roo was born, and he can't seem to catch a break with his career. I'm tired from being the breadwinner for the same amount of time. We're both overextended from trying to survive on my salary alone. We're in a constant state of limbo about his career and our future.

The Bar results should be coming somewhere around the 20th of this month. We've been trying hard not to think about them and to plan for the worst, but as you know having a plan doesn't necessarily mean that things are going to work out just as you'd like them to. The further E gets away from law school and doesn't have a job, the more strain there is between the two of us. I don't care who you are, money struggles are hard. We can pay all of our bills, thank God, but we're a little "house poor" and we've had about three months in a row here where we don't know how we're going to make it to the end of the month. Luckily, family members have stepped in to help us out. I'm not above admitting that we needed their help--even when it was just a loaf or bread or a box of cereal and some milk. The added stress for E here is that he feels like taking the time he's going to need to study for the Bar again would be cutting into the time he's able to work. He can only do so much at once.

It's not like he's even been able to find a steady job. He's been actively searching since this summer, to no avail. The best he's been able to get lately has been a series of odd jobs on nights or weekends. Don't even get me started on the daycare/preschool thing. It's all very humbling, and it makes me realize how much we really need other people just to stay afloat right now.

I'm sorry--I don't mean to have a whine fest and I know that there are so many of you who have been hit by this economy. I just hit a low point again last night. I know this probably echoes what so many families are dealing with right now in this economy. I see it all the time--kids in school are having a harder time than I've seen in any of my other years of teaching. There's a lot of stress and pain out there right now.

E's feeling unsure about taking the Bar again and I just want the best for him and for our family. When it comes down to it, it's a trust issue for me. I want to know that we're going to be okay, and there are just no guarantees. I get scared. I'm fearful because I know what our low point looks like. I can't live that way though, that's life--it's unpredictable. The other problem between us is that when he goes into his head getting preoccupied with school or the Bar or his job search, I feel neglected, and subsequently turn into Needy McNeederson. I feel disconnected from him, which freaks me out more. It's just our pattern.

Last night we worked through it, but it took us about three hours. Totally ruined Thursday night TV/crochet time (not that it's important, mind you, but it was what I had planned). Life is just messy. Ours, especially. I think that because we try not to do all that "work" in front of the kids it sometimes gets saved up for when they're in bed, and then it becomes an explosion of emotion. I can say honestly that I feel better about it this morning, but it's going to be a continued challenge for us for a while. I'm still working on being happy in the moment--I just hope things get a little bit clearer for us soon.


2 comments:

  1. Stay strong, it's going to rough right now. I know several people who are scare shitless right now who have been the top 10% of their law school class all three years. Usually job offers are already in at this point of the year and NONE of them have any. The market is tough and it's going to take time for it to get better. All you both can do is keep pushing through and hope things start looking up.

    On a side note, has E applied for any government jobs? They are secure, pay well and once he's in the system if he passes the bar, he could jump over to a law position later and not lose benefits and such.

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  2. Oh i'm so sorry. It's interesting that you wrote about this today since I was feeling the exact same way. My husband is in school and I feel like our lives are in limbo. It's like we're just waiting for everything to start and everything to work out. I hate waiting and I am such a control freak that I want to know when and how and why things happen...and I don't always have those answers...and it drives me nuts. I'm glad to know that we're not the only family that doesn't have it all together or doesn't know where they're headed all of the time. I really do appreciate it!!

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