Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Not pregnant

I'm not pregnant. Just in case you were wondering. I was (wondering).

It wasn't that we were trying, and there was no "oops" that I'm conscious of, but for the last three weeks I've been having some of those familiar symptoms... of course I know it's always a possibility. I started to feel like I might be, and then of course every little ache/pain/twinge became about something.

It's amazing how much my mind takes over once I even suspect that I might be. I go through this whole range of emotion from OH CRAP, I might be... I'm not really sure I'm ready for that again to what if I am and something goes wrong and I lose it to if I am, then I'm happy, because what is meant to be will be.

I inevitably end up at the place where I start to let myself feel a little bit excited that it might be a possibility, and even just knowing that for a few days means I get my heart a little attached to the idea. For me (and I don't know if it's like this for other women) there's an ease of decision-making that comes with pregnancy. There's no choice about where my priorities will be relocated. It's knowing that your life is going to be wholly, unavoidably dedicated to baby, home, and family for at least two years. It's all-consuming. At a time when I'm feeling some life-related angst and wondering what I am going to do with myself, it's a bit of a relief to think that decision might be made for me.

But it's not. That's okay, I'm okay with it, just a little teensy bit sad. It's not like we were trying, but it was a nice possibility, if a fleeting one. It's nice that when E and I talked about it, he was supportive and would have been equally happy. He understands what it's like for me to find out that I'm not, too. I have to give him so much credit for that. He understands all things baby (and unfortunately, loss) related much better than I could probably even describe. It's one of the things we've been through in several ways that makes our bond a lot stronger, and I'm thankful for that.

But I'm not pregnant.

3 comments:

  1. Yeah, so I am 18 weeks right now. We were NOT trying, not wanting. I was frusturated and sad when I found out because I wasn't ready for another one. (When are you EVER ready?)

    But, a few weeks later I had an incident where I thought I miscarried....actually the doctors couldn't tell, so it was unknown for like 2 weeks...

    But I freaked out. It doesn't matted if its unexpected, it's always welcome. Your heart does get attached so easily.

    So, when are you planning on having another one?

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  2. "At a time when I'm feeling some life-related angst and wondering what I am going to do with myself, it's a bit of a relief to think that decision might be made for me."

    Interesting and honest insight, Heather. I think I know where you're coming from. It's comforting, in a weird way, to know that something so enormous is about to happen it's out of your control. Sort of like, you can stop worrying about yourself for awhile.

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  3. @Jeannette--that happened to me with Hank, too. I had spotting and it was very scary. I've had another miscarriage, so you can imagine what a wreck I was. Glad everything is okay, though. You'll be fine. The heart makes space for the new ones quite easily, and you can sleep when he or she is about 7.... haha j/k. sorta.

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