Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Poop Storm

Yeah, Poop Storm. Couldn't bring myself to commit to the whole banana in something as permanent as a title. Holy fear of judgment, Batman. I have the most ridiculous angst for someone who writes all her deepest thoughts on the interwebs. I fixate on the fact that someone I know is going to read this and think OMG she knows the word shit and then my whole world is going to go to it. This is like when I carefully select a teenager-free check stand at the grocery store, and then some cheery student bounds up to bag my cart full of beer, tampons, condoms, hemorrhoid cream, pregnancy tests and tequila. Hey, Mrs. P! Whatcha'--? Oh... The word "blush" fails. Becoming real hurts me. I'm not completely comfortable with the duality of my persona and my mouthful of swearwords.

It really is a more appropriate word, though.

This is my second whiny baby post for the week, and I hope I do a better job composing my thoughts that I did with the first one which resulted in my taking it down. I'm a weenie and I don't want to offend anyone, and that post wasn't so well-conceived. I've been feeling down and downer about the fact that E can't find a job, and today we just got some crummy news. Bad, door-closing on dreams kind of news. Sad. No big, right? What's some more time tacked on to our "until we're happy" sentence? It's only been approximately 11 years of debt and schooling, struggling and scrimping. What's a few more?

I need to get over myself. I need to stop doing this one very specific thing. I don't know where it comes from--maybe too many paper chains leading up to Christmas mornings, but I have a thing about setting a date for myself in the future where things will be calm, or where things will be happy, or where things will just generally stop being a giant pile of suck. This is recipe for disaster. Guess what keeps happening? God keeps moving the finish line. Know why?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO FINISH LINE, AND IF THERE IS A 'FINISH LINE' TO YOUR LIFE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, THAT'S A BAD THING.

Some poor woman in downtown Sacramento got run over by a bus tonight. Like, literally run over. She died. It's awful and sad. That could be me. It isn't. I am so thankful for life and health. So time to stop being unhappy. Right? Right. I'm going to keep writing down all the healthy thoughts that I know, in the hopes that I will read this blog myself and these things will begin to imbue my spirit with warm-fuzziness.

The details of the bad news? Insignificant for our purposes, Blog, but the E man is having a really really really hard time finding his path in life. He's learning the Robert Frost poem one line at a time. I'm grateful that he now knows that said path should include me, like, forever. This is a huge deal. In light of separation and the decision to divorce, all the work we've done to come back together in a healthy way, then the decision to recommit ourselves to our marriage, this is amazing. We have plenty to be thankful for in health, security, and family. Check, check, check.


So my challenge for this week is to find happiness. To be happy, now. To stop waiting for what might be. To accept what is and what is not. To be thankful.


Food for thought (and by this I mean my own thought):

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
~Carl Jung

and this:

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
~Hellen Keller

8 comments:

  1. Ok Mrs P...you have so much to be grateful for...you have your health, you have two BEAUTIFUL, SMART, and WONDERFUL children...you have a husband and best of all, you have a job. You also have a husband who loves and supports you. Some people don't have any of it...they don't have children, and they REALLY want kids. Some people pay thousands of dollars for in-vitro, only to be thwarted by disaster. Cherish what you have.

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  2. As you know it's been a really hard year for me too. The one thing I've learned is not to put my faith in specific events, but to put my faith in God. Here are a couple of verses that have encouraged me. I hope they do the same for you! I love you!

    "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

    Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1, 2-4.

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  3. I do. I really do. It's just a bad day in a bad week. I wish I could explain more, but I can't since it's really E's deal more so than mine. You're right, and I don't equate our problems with those of anybody else. It's not a contest for me. I don't want to win. Just expressing what's on my heart tonight, as always.

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  4. Thank you for being so honest about feeling down and wanting to know exactly when things will get better! So often I feel like this too and I honestly think God makes me wait longer because He wants me to learn patience. Just know that you are so loved and you will be in my prayers. XOXO

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  5. The job thing really sucks. I'm not going to try to talk you out of it sucking, because I think it's important to acknowledge that it's the pits. But I also think it's really important to know (really know, not just kind of know) that your man is graduating from law school in the worst legal environment in history. This matters because he probably feels absolutely terrible about not having a job, but he's likely much more powerless to get a job than he would have been in ANY other year. My point is that the problem isn't so much him as it is the economy, and it's important to remind him of that so he doesn't feel like he's somehow inadequate.

    I have lots of law firm/job advice to offer if you need some new ideas about job hunting. Just let me know :)

    Katrina

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  6. If I may add another quote to your collection...I might be paraphrasing some, but I think it goes:

    "To be finished with life before life is finished with one is not to finish the task at all." -Soren Kierkegaard

    I can sympathize a little; going through my own job search and little life-examination right now and it all seems so fruitless in many ways. I'm telling myself (and trying to get myself to believe) that it's all for a purpose, that the strength and patience I'll gain now will serve me and others later.

    Good luck and have faith...

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  7. Yes, the job thing is awful. I have a friend who took the Bar in March, passed it, got laid off here at my work, and hasn't found a job yet. Tell E to hang in there, and you hang in there too. I always tell my husband, if things go south at my job, I can always try Starbucks :-)

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