Tuesday, August 25, 2009

All hail the fail whale

Do you know the fail whale? This morning I channeled him on my run. Before I get started, let's just get it out there that this post should have a soundtrack. I'm thinking some orchestral, waltzy thing. Blue Danube, perhaps? Da-da... Da-da... bink bink... bink bink... There, got it in your head now. This story needs that kind of juxtaposition of smooth, lilting waltz and awkward, clumsy runner fail. On we go.

I had a hard time even getting my donkey butt out of bed this morning. I should have known that was a bad sign. Loath to quit, however, I strapped the dogs into the sneakers, strapped the girls into a sports bra, pulled on a (white--it's dark at 5:00 AM, remember?) sweatshirt and jaunted out the door jauntily. By jauntily, I mean it took me 20 long minutes to drag that same butt out the front door. I don't know where the time went, but somehow I wasted 20 minutes. Maybe I was flashing, Desmond-like, into the past. Who knows.

After I took off once in the wrong direction, corrected, and then still managed to set out on a path that was altogether different from the one I'd mapped last night, I decided to quit fooling around, man up, and just do my miles. The initial part of the run was actually pretty sweet. I was breathing easy, I was warm enough in my sweatshirt, I had a nice pace going and I was feeling safe and happy. I wasn't thirsty, I hadn't forgotten to bechapstick my lips, and there weren't even that many cars out. My feet were just moving under me like a well-tuned machine, and I didn't have to give it much thought.

(Do you still have the waltz going in your head? Did you forget? It's absolutely relevant to the next portion of the story.)

About a mile and half in to the four and a halfer, I started to notice that my nose was running. I pulled a Kleenex out of my zip pouch and went to town on the sucker. Just kidding, I totally didn't, I went to wipe it on my sleeve. I was hoping you wouldn't judge me so harshly if I said I wiped it on a Kleenex. I'm not an everyday sleeve-wiper, but I didn't have any Kleenex, and I was sweating like a hog in Florida, so I was going to have to wash the thing anyway.

(Duh-duh-DUH... duh-duh-DUH... duh-duh-DUH-da-DUH-da-DUH-da-duh-duh...)

At the point of nose-wipeage, I reached up with my left hand, lifted my chin slightly, and averted my eyes in a well-timed bit of unfortunateness. My left foot hit an electrical panel for a stoplight, and I went down. The panel had been covered by asphalt, NOT VERY WELL, mind you, and in the dark I couldn't see that it wasn't flat. I hit. Man down. Slow-mo commenced. I felt this awful purple-white pain in my left foot. Yes, purple-white, like the color the sky turned in LOST when they stopped pushing the button. Everything is LOST today. Ben Linus. I grated my teeth together as I went down, and I landed on what I am sure of was the outside of my lower left calf and two of my palms at the same time. I was playing cement twister in the dark, on the boulevard, by myself. Right foot FAIL.

Time seemed to return to its ordinary speed just in time for one of my bike riding buddies to appear in the horizon, all blinky and be-vested. I thought oh good, someone will help me. Expectation fail. He just kept on riding. No wave, no "are you okay?" no "can I help you up?" Nothing. I was literally sitting on the side of the road clutching my ankle, crying. Thanks for your assistance, Jerkface. Maybe it's good it was dark, because it was quite a spectacle. After the pain stopped being immediate and sharp, I stood and tried to put weight on it.

No dice. My ankle yelled back at me, something about being a retard and some other words I can't repeat. It hurt so bad, but it was 5:20 and it was dark and all I could think was that E was going to have to pack the kids in the car (after waking them) to come get me. I didn't want that. I gave it some more time and then decided I would walk for a while. I kept heading in the direction I had been moving, only because I was heartbroken at the fact that I might not make my mileage for today, and I was damned if I was going to start this whole mess again tonight with a maybe busted ankle.

God bless adrenaline, because I think I had enough in me from the excitement of my sidewalk dive to keep the pain to a minimum. I made it to the halfway point, running from time to time, and turned back. I managed to run for most of the distance, but my ankle eventually just started to feel cold and too loose. I tightened my shoe laces, but by the time I made it back to my neighborhood, I just gave in and walked. It hurt.

What a giant fail! We didn't have any Motrin, so I had to take Aleve. I hate Aleve, because just when you think it's worn off and it's time for another pill, you remember oh great, I have another 6 hours to go before I can take anything. We don't have any kind of sports tape or wrap, so I am wearing tennis shoes to work. I was totally late because I wasted more time sitting on the couch trying to rest it after the run. I just feel kind of off. Please, oh please let this day go by quickly. I just want to get in my bed and crawl under the covers and hide... maybe with an ice pack on my left ankle.


  1. I am so in awe of your ability to get up in the morning and run. I'm always impressed when I read posts like this. Sorry about the fall. Ankle injuries make me cringe. I have VERY weak ankles that are forever rolling. It makes it very difficult to wear heels. I see this was posted on Tuesday. I hope you haven't broke anything.

    Enjoyed the Lost references. Got 'em all, thanks to Joe's infatuation with the show.

    PS. My word verification was "whlarkey." What a friggen hysterical word.

  2. I have bad ankles, too. First was dancing, then martial arts, and then the Navy, with all that marching and running. . .

    Nothing has happened in a while, but I have plenty of memories of incidents like this - and worse! Be glad there wasn't a pack of people behind you... and yelling.

    Being alone when it happens is bad, too. I just remember the crowd - Hey! I'm hurt here. Anyone want to help? Yeah, it sucked.

    Good for you for getting back up, though. I usually just limped away. Out of class, or away from the PT session.

    I think about running sometimes. Usually right after my shower in the morning when I'm awake and energized. That's when the boys are asleep, though. No one else in the house. When I get home from school, I've just been to curves. No desire to run then, or after my online class, when it's hot out. . .

    Well, anyway. I guess this is less of a comment, and more like a long blurb. Oh, well. Hope the ankle gets better soon. Good job with the running!

  3. It is the twitter whale, nice pic to choose, lol! Hope your ankle feels better soon, if you makes you feel better yesterday I went jogging and my new heart monitor that goes around my waist kept on falling! It was so annoying and I was trying to run, adjust it, and run some more. People probably thought what is her problem? Anyway, hope you feel better soon and keep up the GREAT work!

  4. @Heidi. Thanks. I'm still kind of new to it, but I like that it is peaceful and starts my day out right. I find it's easier to get out of bed and run than to get out of bed and shower. Wonder what that's all about? I always get really weird word verifications too.

    @Janis (mamabear) Thanks! Thanks for the blog mention and kind words on your blog too. I had bad ankles as a kid, but I think now I just have bad clumsiness and poor timing. It's unfortunate, and I'm mostly just pissed at myself about it.

    @Ocean Dreams I have the same problem with my fuel belt! Still getting used to it, but it requires a lot of hitching around which is pretty funny while I run. Hang in there! Thanks for the comment!

  5. Ok..I am very disappointed in that biker...can we say rude! That is exactly the behavior Danica @chicrunner was talking about. I try to smile and wave at the bikers whe I am jogging...but only one gave me a thumbs up...boo

  6. OK, now that I've read the whole thing I have a comment! :-) Next time you should call me. Darin is home, so I could come pick you up. Or call Grandpa...he's always up early! Someone would have come to get you!!!

  7. @Lis You really want me to call you at 5:00 AM? You're going to answer? Okay, totally taking you up on that.

  8. ONLY if you're in need of help. Not just to say hi or shoot the breeze...save that for on the way home from school! I'm just sayin' I could of helped a sister out!