Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Whole Lotta Nuthin'

Welcome to my blog, here's a post about a million and a half things, all on my addled little mind tonight. I figure in the spirit of full disclosure, I better mention I've had one lemon drop martini with dinner, then a coke and two mini-boxes of Apple Jacks when I got home. Healthy eating? What? Yeah. I'm in a good mood at least, even if it's artificial. (Note: E's home for the night, so that part of the good mood is real.)

No really. WOO.HOO. Here's to chemically-enhanced posting. Enjoy your Apple Jacks responsibly, kids.

First of all, THIS. Tyce Diorio's breast cancer-inspired piece tonight on So You Think You Can Dance. Beautifully, maturely, and delicately executed by Ade and Melissa. Very touching and technically performed in just the right way--so that the dance itself faded to the background and the meaning of the dance was what took center stage. It's like good writing--the mechanics of the story dissolve as it draws you in, but it takes flawless mechanics to highlight something powerful. Loved it. This is why I dance, and why I love watching good dance.

What else, what else? Lis called this morning and told me it was high time I marched my patoot out of the house because I was only contributing to my own misery by acting like Miss Havisham. (Lis, I think you need a blog. Just saying.) She was right. Two Cheeseburger Meal-therapy. We took the monkeys to McD and let them play in that Godforsaken room with the play structure that all moms hate love. WHY IS EVERYONE SHOUTING IN THERE? WHY DOES IT HAVE THE ACOUSTICS OF A TIN CAN? I DON'T KNOW.

I've been missing the bestie, like I said, for some time. Wondering what's been going on. We had a good email talk. I'm hoping I get to have lunch with her tomorrow. ::fingers crossed::

E and I had a fight. I was right, you know. I guess that's not really what's important. That's sure healthy, huh? Posting "I'm right" on your blog? Way to go, P. *high-fives self* But it was sure important to me this evening. Looooong, stupid fight. I hate the Bar. I hate law school. I hate that we've been separated and almost divorced. I even hate that we had a long distance relationship in college. Not fair, not fair, not fair. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! That post from this morning was right. I've just been holding the glass of water too long. Time to put down these burdens and rest. We both just want a normal life SO BADLY right now.

So as long as I'm being random... about my anxiety episode in Yosemite. Here's what happened. A cautionary tale, if you will. I don't know who it is supposed to caution, but that's what I've got going tonight. Maybe husbands. Or people who might be camping with people who get anxious from time to time, though with much less frequency (or is it lower?) than they used to.

E texted me at about 9:30 AM saying exactly this: "You need to call me ASAP." Our phones were not "hearing" each other and his is a total P.O.S., so I did but he didn't answer. No big whoop, right? So I called the house. No answer. Called his phone again. Lather, rinse, repeat. No answer, no answer, no answer. Commenced freaking out.

If you worry, and I mean the serious kind that makes your chest cold and hands clammy and upper arms heavy and fingers tingle and ties you up in knots like that gold chain in the bottom of your jewelry box, then you know that feeling I had in my gut. I started off being just slightly concerned, but in the almost hour and a half that passed from the time he left the message until I heard his voice, I just got more and more anxed (not a word, but wouldn't it be a great one?) and I started to wonder if it was something wrong with him, or with my Grandma EV who has been having some fainting problems, or who knows who else in my family. By the time I talked to him, I was in the full throes of anxiety. PHYSICAL anxiety--the symptoms everyone feels when they get called to task by their boss, or called to the Principal's office, or pulled over by a cop. Not choosing it for myself, but feeling it from the inside, out.

The thing is when you have issues like this, it just takes longer for them to go away than it does for normal people. It's been a LONG time since I've had a bad one, and thankfully it could have been worse than it was, but I know now that if I get to a certain point the only thing I can do is wait it out. Ride it out. Whatever. Patience, because trying to worry about making it go away just makes it hang around. It's counter-productive. Typically this has happened to me more frequently at night, when it's easy to be at home. Not on vacay with the in-laws but no E. So unfortunate. When I spoke to E, he brushed off the worry, which only made it harder to concentrate on what he really wanted to talk to me about, which was just that there was an issue with me needing to transfer money from one of our accounts to the other.

Like I said, my issues are so much better than they used to be--I used to get the anxious feeling frequently and for no reason at all. This was actually about something. I just needed to wait for it to go away. Not so easy when your spouse is gone and you're with a bunch of people that don't really understand what's happening inside of you. They were gracious and accommodating, but anxiety is a difficult one. I can't help but feel like sometimes people think it's a choice--a deliberate decision to pout, or freak out, or whatever. Not everybody gets it. It's physical, and it takes time to go away. It took almost an hour and a half after I knew everything was okay for the physicality of it all to subside, and then I just crashed. I needed to sleep for hours. That day? Poof. Gone. Wasted.

I don't like it. I hate it. I'm thankful that it is so much better than it was when E and I were having major problems and I developed anxiety because I wasn't really dealing with what was wrong. I know why it happened while I was there--I missed E, I'm nervous about his test, I'm nervous about him finding a job in the meantime, and I was at the point where I'd been carrying that "glass of water" for too long and it just spilled over. Stress can be a driving force for me, but it can also lead to a kind of surface-tension that means I'm not equipped to handle things that shouldn't be as big of a deal as they end up being. One drop, and it spills over. That's just life for us, I guess. E has his own issues that are similar, and we just learn to live with them. I take a lot of comfort in knowing that things will all settle down very soon.

Lesson of the day: Have a code with your family for REAL emergencies and one for WE JUST NEED TO TALK SOON BECAUSE I'M PISSED OFF situations. It will help keep the freakout risk level at LOW. Keep it in the green zone, kids.

And now for something completely different. I'm going with my 10th grade history teacher my good friend K, to see With Malice Toward None: Abraham Lincoln Bicentennial Exhibit at the California Museum on Friday. Woohoo. Seriously, I'm excited. Who doesn't love a little Honest Abe?


  1. I just want to say that I admire your open-ness and honesty on your blog, those areas of life are something I'm generally afraid to get into on mine, even though I know it helps to write them down.

    If ya'll need more fantastically fabulous farm fun, you know where to find it. (I did that alliteration just to bring glee to your English-teacher heart). :-)

  2. I admire your honesty too. It makes me feel better knowing that other people have anxiety about things too. On another note, what the heck? That text would have freaked me out too. Especially when you are 3 hrs from home!

  3. I love reading your blog because I see a lot of the same stuff I do, I get really bad anxiety attacks, but I try to hide them because,most people just don't understand, and it is very exhausting. Your post about the stress and the burdens was very helpful to me, I'm like Queen Stress, so that was a very cool post to read!

  4. Love the song, liked the dance...I guess I'll have to start watching the show now...sheesh!

  5. That dance was amazing!

    Panic attacks at night are the most godawful, debilitating things. I feel your pain.

    Sometimes mind over matter just don't do it.