Thursday, July 09, 2009

Just thoughts.

Once again, not a semblance of a theme here. Sorry. I'm too scattered to organize and plan.

Hanko is sporting a new shiner courtesy of his sister and a wayward golf club. Dude, you don't stand in the back swing. You never stand in the back swing. Now he has a matching set. Another half of a jacked up face to go with the mark from the failed back flip/couch incident of 09. Come on, Kid. People are going to think I'm smacking you around.

The kids are being so bad. I don't really blame them. I think I'm being bad too. I'm in a bad place. (And by that, I don't mean California, though that seems to work on the same level.) It's why I'm not really going out of the house right now. E moved up to his parents to sequester himself for the final three weeks leading up to the Bar exam. None of us are taking it well.

He'll be back before I know it... it's only three weeks... things are fine... he didn't leave because something was wrong... he needs to study and focus on the Bar exam...

Yeah I get all that, but I'm going to be upset about it anyway. All of that sounds great on paper, but being apart is hard. Especially this close to his moving out last October for real when we thought we were divorcing. I feel like we have a little baby plant of a marriage that needs protection so it doesn't get uprooted. I'm (ever-so-slightly) freaking out.

It's hard not to associate what is happening right now with what it felt like to be alone because we were separated.

I'm not a good single mom, either. I forget things. I get overwhelmed. I wish I had a break, when they get going and won't leave each other alone. I want to run, but I can't figure out how to do that with them. Taking out the trash and putting the cans in the street on the right day and getting the mail and trying to fix things all by myself? These things overwhelm. They're stupid. They're just things. But as I've said before. I'm half of a pair. Being alone throws off my entire deal. I've got a hitch in my gitalong. Not the good kind, either.

I'm cranky. I'm lonely. I'm nervous at night, being alone. I hate this.


  1. Keep posting and keep busy! It'll make the time go by that much faster! So in saying that, I'm hosting a HUGE play date tomorrow at the Jan and Jerry park in EG. It's the park right behind the Not so new anymore Bel Air on Waterman and EG Blvd. It starts at 11am. I hope you guys can make it. Hang in there, the three weeks will be over before you know it!

  2. We;re here for you to if you need anything! I hope you always know that even if I don't say it. You can come over if you get bored too...whatever you need!


  3. Think of it as a vacation... He has to take this vacation to make him a better person and a better father and husband. It will be over soon...just stay focused on the end result. It will all work out!! You guys love each other!!!