Friday, June 19, 2009

Indiana E and the Elbow of Doom

I love my bed like nobody's business. I'm a sleep/blanket/pillow/fluff kind of gal. When we were teenagers, E nicknamed my bed "the nest"--I liked to pile up as many blankets and pillows as I could and then just sink into the middle. (If you're sleeping alone, it makes you feel less lonely, no?) I love blanket weight, even in heat. It makes me feel secure. Cut to me marrying a guy who likes one sheet--at best--and no blankets... Yeah, we had some mountains to climb right at the start of our marriage. I've done my best to turn him.

No better answer to a crummy day than a big, plush, cozy bed. Up until last summer, we had a Cal King--one we spent way too much money on: a serious disappointment with a big sag in the middle and an uncomfortable ridge where the boxsprings came together. It put me too far away from him on cold nights and filled up our postage-stamp sized bedroom so much that neither of us could really walk around it. When some friends of ours sold a bedroom set (I've never had one) with a sleigh bed, we jumped at the chance; but it was Queen-sized so we swapped ol' Cally King for E's parents' spare bed, which was really Auntie's old bed. Confused yet? Long story short, we ended up with a Queen.
Beautiful bedroom found here

The firmness of our mattress necessitated the purchase of one of those memory foam toppers from Costco, and I have to tell you--no joke--that it changed my life. I classify my life as either BFT (before foam topper) or AFT. Heav-ven. The firm mattress/foam topper combo is delicious. Supportive, but squishy and comforting. That and my love of all things blanket generally mean I sleep like it's my job. Until a few months ago. All it took was one elbow. One elbow to rule them all.

This is how it goes, Blog: I go to bed sometime between the godly hours of 9:00 and 11:00, generally, and drift off into angelic sleep. E will come to bed after he's either exhausted his energy for XBox, or woken himself up from falling asleep in front of the TV, generally in the vicinity of 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. At this point, I drag myself over to my own side and grumble something at him about why he has to stay up so late, then promptly pass out again. E will scoot himself over to the midline of the bed, turn his back to me, and snooze. No problem with that, right? I usually have my leg over a second pillow and my foot out of the covers, and I'm happy as a clam, until the elbow arrives.

Hang on. I left out a part. E tires quickly of laying on his side, so he rolls toward me and onto his back. Once in this position, he bends his knees up and continues his blissful sleep with knees in the air. (I know, who sleeps like that, right?) At some point, he bends his left arm up, putting his hand behind his head, presenting to me... THE ELBOW. E is smack dab in the middle of the bed, knees in air, left arm lifted, and his elbow IS IN MY EYE HOLE, THREE DEGREES TO THE RIGHT OF THE CORNEA. How lovely. How sweet. How comfortable. How FRUSTRATING! Since I am such a cherub (no sarcasm or bias in the telling of this story, can you tell?), I lovingly ask him to PLEASE REMOVE HIS ELBOW FROM MY EYE CAVITY, to which he usually replies "oh, sure, Love. I'm so sorry I hurt you and disturbed your sleep. Let me scoot back over to my side of the bed, Sweetie."

Oh wait, I meant it was the OPPOSITE of that. He can't climb out of the depths of his slumber to acknowledge me at all, and when I ask him to put it down, he usually gets MAD and leaves it there. (To his credit, the dude is sleeping, so this is not a conscious reaction.) This results in more burning anger on my part, which results in more nagging--I mean--loving whispers in his ear to please scoot himself back onto his own territory, which eventually leads to him letting out a huge sigh and moving one centimeter towards his side. Generally I'll fall asleep at this point, only to wake in another hour or two, with the business end of his elbow stuck to my contact lens again. Can't win. That elbow just wants to be in my eye.


  1. Oh wow, that was pretty funny to read, but I'm sorry you have to put up with E's elbow! I thought I had drive me crazy issues with my boyfriend. I can't wait until I get married now. Lol. Our main issue is the air control - he's always cold and I'm always hot and I can't sleep but he is just great! He just replies, oh why don't you go the coach until you cool down? WHAT?! I hope you figure out a way to get rid of the elbow and protect your pretty eye ball. He he, happy Friday!

  2. My husband sleeps with his knees up too! Weird ;-)

  3. I'm right there with you! I get elbows to the head, his knee resting on my legs or stomach, or even me waking up in the middle of the night to find that I'm on the verge of falling off the bed. Grrr.

    And, I'm also a blanket girl. LOVE them. Not him. He's a sheet or no blanket at all. Sounds about like what you're dealing with =)

  4. Yup. It's hard because I know how nice it is to sleep alone, but also so lonely. Right now I'm glad I have an elbow that pokes me. But some nights I've had just about enough of it!