Tuesday, June 16, 2009


My sweatshirt sleeves are too tight, and every time I try to pull up the right sleeve tonight, my fingers slip and I end up beating myself in the chest like I'm Celine freaking Dion and I'm the greatest singer in the world!

I need a caffeine delivery system that doesn't involve calories. Don't even talk to me about that diet soda garbage either. Pass.

I ran three miles today, and though I was a full minute faster per mile than my last run, I still felt like a total pretender. It hurt, I was thirsty, and my head got really hot. I'm wondering when I cross over into not feeling like a total dweeb.

It's difficult to convince your son not to pick his nose at his sister's soccer practice when only hours before, his father was diggin' around in there with a pair of tweezers and telling him to hold still. I guess shame takes time to develop.

New iPhone software update. Can't wait.

Wind gives me an allergy headache. Every time. You can imagine how enthusiastic I am as a soccer mom.

Counting calories sucks. Mostly at the end of the day, when you run out. In the morning it's all fun and games.

The weight continues to go up. 157 today. When I started running and I was 150 I thought that was terrible. I thought the pounds would be melting off of me as soon as I started running. Yeah, about that.

I heard Sherri Shepherd of The View say the other day that she weighs 160 lbs and she's trying to lose weight. OHMYGODI'MSHERRYSHEPHERD. Apparently I'm a hilarious PLUS-SIZED comedienne/actress who doesn't know that the world is round. But seriously? We weigh the same now? Somebody's lying and it ain't me. (Side note: my BMI increased by 1.5. waaaa!)

Mad Men season one is on "On Demand" again. This is good news. Season two is on DVD in July. Even better.

Folding laundry can be blissful when you consider the fact that you could be at work all day instead.

The new book I'm reading, Water for Elephants is pretty good so far. Funny and interesting.

This summer, I do not miss trips, or being out of the house, or going out, or seeing people. I'm so happy where I am. And I am a damn good gluten-, tomato-, dairy-, soy-, peanut-, and egg-free cook lately, if you don't mind me tooting my own horn.

The only way this vacation could be better would be if there was actually something to watch on TV besides SYTYCD (which I love, but what am I supposed to watch the rest of the week?)

I find bathing my kids to be among the most boring chores imaginable, but it is also one of the best kid-occupying things there is to do at night. Seriously, you come over here and yell at my kids to stop splashing water all over the bathroom, will ya?

Taco salad does not equal taco. Especially when you limit yourself to one OUNCE of cheese. That's like cheese sneezed on my salad, not like actually eating cheese. Salsa does not equal sour cream. Whine, whine, complain, complain.

I am so sleepy lately. Also, I am so hungry lately.

No matter how bad I want to do it, I can't set my alarm, wake up, and run. I can wake up early and I do so often, but I can't jump in those tennies and out the door. No idea why. I think my body is creating physical reluctance to cover my secret fear that I'll find myself a mile down the road and realize I forgot to put on a bra. And that's when I'll hear it, from around the corner... "Mrs. P, is that you? Mrs.... OH MY GOD, MY EYES!!!" (Who am I kidding, I wouldn't make it a mile like that. This ain't 8th grade anymore.)

Somebody needs to find a reason to arrest Speidi and lock them up so they go away. If you don't know who that means, then just skip ahead. Seriously. There just are not words for people like them. Unfortunately, if you want an idea of where the youth of America is headed (from one lowly high school teacher's perspective) take a gander right there. Or John minus Kate. Ugh. I think this means I watch too much morning talk show TV and too much reality TV.

I have been having THE MOST BIZARRE DREAMS lately. Everyone who knows me knows that sooner or later I have a bizarre dream about everyone, but some of the noteworthies from recent nights: 1) I dreamed it was Auntie and Uncle G's wedding again only nobody told me, and I showed up both late and unaware it was a wedding. 2) I dreamed that my school hired a new dance teacher (ha--see I must be dreaming!) and that nobody mentioned it to me until she was already there and she was basically the best thing you've ever seen. GEE, IS SOMEBODY FEELING INSECURE LATELY? It's okay if it's relegated to my dreaming. My days are Crazy-free right now. (P.S. I don't care one lick who they hire, I just hope they hire someone.)

I saw a school bus driver pulling up to Ad's school with a surgical mask on today. I'm sure that goes over well when the first graders see the bus door open and OH MY GOD IT'S JASON. Okay, not that I've actually seen any of those Friday the 13th movies. I'm way too chicken. But I will say this again: Seriously, people?

Piece out.

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