Wednesday, May 27, 2009

So You Think You Can...?

I know I can. Well, I attempt to, anyway. I do alright. Maybe I sorta dance. You know.

It's different watching SYTYCD right now. Still one of my favorite shows, but I'm wondering how it's going to be to see it through different eyes this year. Eyes that are not currently in a studio training, not dancing with a company anymore, and not really interested in teaching for a while. It makes me a little bit sad, but I'm not turning off the TV anytime soon.

PS I didn't really like last season. Just not the same oomph. Hope this season is better. Yeah, PS in the middle of my post. It's my blog, I'll do what I want.

I am so far away from last summer. Like, SO far. Last summer I was dancing with CORE, and I was in NY for 4th of July for the PULSE teachers workshop. Classes from Mia Michaels, Brian Friedman, Wade Robson, Dave Scott, etc, etc, etc... plus learning from a whole bunch of AMAZING teachers from Broadway Dance Center near Times Square. Crazy. I was so inspired, I was so enthused... I was on fire for dance.

What happened?

Well, reality. Teaching public high school is a different world from that New York conference--which I know--but... *sigh.* Back to the grind, which managed to suck my last little bits of energy or creativity out of me. I don't know what it is this year. It drained the life from me. Back to being a mom, back to a difficult marriage, which meant E's last year of law school, and deciding to divorce. Well, that's the kicker. That one sucker punched me right in the face. Basically, that ruined any creativity or vitality I had left in me.

But all this changed me too. Yes, E and I are back together. Thank God; but it's not ever going to be easy. It's work. You've probably already read all my other laments about marriage, separation, all that jazz. I'm so happy for how things have turned out, I just know that my perspective is different now. It's like I took one step to the left, and now the whole world looks different. I just know now that my family needs me. Full time. All in. 100%. Dance, though it's an honest love and will always be in my soul, is just too life-sapping. If I teach it, I need to breathe it. If I dance for myself, I need to live it.

I can't.

Am I sad? Yeah. Am I making the right decision? Yeah.

Dang, being an adult is retarded.

So back to the point of this whole post... watching this show is not the same. It hurts me a little inside. It makes me miss dancing with CORE Dance Collective so badly, and it reminds me that Sacramento is lucky to have such a talented professional Contemporary dance company. It reminds me that I'm grateful I was able to dance with them, even for a short time. It reminds me that I'm happy for the four years I've been able to make my passion my job, and that for three years before that, I was so happy shepherding the Drill Team, just in preparation to do so. I'm just tired. Sooo tired.

After I stopped dancing with Sac Ballet as an Apprentice (basically after hearing I'd never go any farther than I had--which was honest and correct, but painful... ::heartbreak::) at 21, I couldn't even set foot in the Community Center Theater for years. It hurt me too badly. I'm hoping I can approach this differently. Take a pause, enjoy running to keep myself in shape, keep writing to keep myself creative, and go back to it when I'm ready, with a new view.

For this summer, I'm going to enjoy being on this side of things--as an audience member--and enjoy the fact that not only is there something new to watch, but it's a dance show.

And now, just for fun:
*jazz hands*


Don't forget to comment my giveaway post by 7:00 AM Friday for a shot at winning a book.



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  3. Glad you got a Google Account, Honey. (Well, glad you let me make one for you.) # back.

    <3 ya