Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Nine years ago today

We got married nine years ago today. It was a beautiful day. I have nothing but lovely memories surrounding that event, even in light of the more recent difficulties we've had. If nothing else, I want this blog to be honest. When we made up our minds to divorce, I felt so completely alone. I did not feel like many people I knew understood what a difficult choice that was, or what the even more difficult implications would be. I was comforted by several people who were really willing to share their own experience, so I am trying to do the same. I feel blessed that we're starting anew, but part of that is accepting what marriage will really mean for us from today forward.

We are always going to fight. I am always going to fight. It's my nature, and E's. Even as I write this, E and I are bickering. It ain't all sunshine and rainbows around here. I came in the office to be alone and think, and he came into the office to be near me. I don't want anyone near me right now. See what a punk I can be? We've also been having some arduous discussions lately surrounding his post-law school career. He's in a place to make some significant life changes, and nine years, two kids, two separations, and one reconciliation later, that is still just as challenging to navigate together.

Perhaps it is more difficult, now that we both know the truth of exactly how bad things can really get. I know one of my habits is that I act out of fear on a regular basis; even though I'm making the choice to trust him now, those dark parts of me creep back up when I'm not careful. I am so afraid that we'll take ourselves down a path that will lead to the same situation. I've always been like that--afraid to make the wrong choice. I've been shown from all this that there's no preventing yourself from having difficulties. They're inevitable. I have no control over what happens, only over my own choices. The best thing I can do is make a choice to love E now, and support whatever will be best for my family.

When it comes to some of these career choices, E is once again asking a lot of me. I am willing to support him however I can. I'm a little bit cautious right now though. I know that the difference lies in my knowing now that I need that same unselfishness from him--or that I need to know that the same level of support is there. There's nothing that I really want to go and do right now, but I crave that kind of security. We're still not to that level. It's work, and we're working.

I've been on edge for the past few days. I think the imminence of our wedding anniversary was lurking in my mind. My anxiety has been creeping back up on me, and I wasn't handling it well. I've been difficult to live with for the last week or so. Let's get this one thing clear though--E has not really been so peachy either. I know we're both relieved to have our vow renewal set for next month, but this in between time is just not something either of us knows how to approach or define. It's so unfamiliar. Who would want to be familiar with it anyway? Not helping anything is the fact that I've been out of town so much lately and so preoccupied with finishing up my major tasks at work; we've let go of the regularity of what we were practicing after Retrouvaille. Translation: we are not nice to each other and our communication (once again) sucks.

I'm not worried though. Old me would have slipped into a place of hopelessness (pre-separation) and the feeling that there was no out and nothing would ever change. New me (post-separation) knows that we have a complete toolbox of stuff that we know works for us. I know that we need to get back in the saddle, so to speak. Ew, that metaphor just sounds dirty. Not what I meant, folks. We need to get ourselves back into a routine of healthy communication. He and I talked about that last night after my fourth (or so, who's counting?) freakout of the week, and we both read our notebooks from the Retrouvaille weekend again. I've been all over him lately because I thought he forgot about everything we'd learned and done there. I'm going to go ahead and change my name to Pot, because I was definitely calling the kettle black. There was so much stuff in that notebook that I'd forgotten too. We both need to refocus on what we learned and on really hearing each other again. Being honest but gentle. All of that.

I don't write any of this to be cruel or to air our dirty laundry--but I want to be accurate about what this is. This is how we do marriage. Even in complication, I'm blessed to be with E. I'm happy for today because it reminds me that anything is possible. I am celebrating that day from nine years ago, but not in the same way I would have before. It doesn't represent nine solid years of amazing marriage. Like I said, I want to be honest. It does, however, represent a part of my rich history with E. Our story is not a model of anything, but I accept it and I accept him because I know that this is where I am meant to be. Struggles and all.

Happy Tax Day!

1 comment:

  1. I love that picture. Your dress was so pretty. What a fun day that was! Great memories. Happy Day to you... a lot of struggles over the last 9 years but also lots of blessings... two in particular! :)