Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bad day yesterday

Didja notice? Lately I've been so disciplined about blogging the night before and saving something to post early in the morning. Usually something occurs to me throughout the day and then I post that too... yesterday, only one post.

I had a horrible afternoon. Let's examine the factors leading up to my bad afternoon.  Then we can discuss.

Factor #1: I stayed at school on Monday evening to give another practice AP Exam. These beauties are 3 hours long. So I basically went from after lunch (1:00) through until 6:30 without any down time. By the time I got home I was toast.

Factor #2: STAR testing minimum day on Tuesday. In itself, not a huge stressor except for the fact that I have to wait around like a sitting duck to see if anyone doesn't show up that day: in which case I'd be proctoring the test for a class full of kids I don't know. Nobody needed me, so I went to work at setting up my classroom for the 50+ kids that all needed to take the test at the same time. Translation: I hauled desks from across the hall for a half hour. Good times.

Factor #3: Another 3 hour AP test mid-day Tuesday, concluding at 1:10. They need the practice, but I always hit the wall about two hours in, so I can't be very productive during that time. Plus I'm trying to keep an eye to them as they take the test... so I didn't even finish the essays I had to grade during that time. I ate my lunch during the test and K brought me some McD ice cream, so that was a plus. But by the time it was over, I was beat.

Factor #4: A meeting, beginning exactly 20 minutes after the test ended. I can't post anything here about what happened, but I can say that it was emotional for me, and that it was a situation where I felt like I couldn't control what was happening, that there was no clear solution, and that when people are in a situation where they're going to lose something important to them, you tend to see their true colors. I'm sorry. Vague, much? I can't write about anything specific, but it suffices to say that I left the meeting in a panic attack. An honest-to-God legit anxiety attack, cold shoulders, tingly fingers and all. I was upset.

I hate anxiety. I hate when I feel it coming and I know I can't control it. It ruined my entire afternoon. When I'm like that, I can't talk to anyone or do anything. I had planned to run, and there was no way that was going to happen. I get paralyzed, for lack of a better word. I want to be in my bed, and I want the world to go away. It's hard to even talk. So I didn't run (which I knew would have been the best thing for me, if I could have done it) and I didn't do anything at all. I was a lump. I couldn't even talk to E for a while. It takes over--I just loathe that about myself.

I guess it's good that it happened last night, because it reminds me that it's been a while since that has happened, and that's a blessing in itself. This used to be every day for me, for awhile. it ain't pretty, but that's just a part of me. Anyway, I got it under control, and I had a really good talk with the Bestie, who brought me back down to earth. Thank God for people who can put things in perspective. Really. Bonus: she talked to me by cell while she was on the elliptical machine at the gym. And she could talk. I'm in awe. Try talking to me while I run sometime... not.

Problem is, I'm still pretty grumpy today. It seems like things are just not working out. I've had enough of that, thank you very much.

*updated at 4:00 to add:  okay, I guess I can stop with the pity party.  My choice to have a bad day or not.  Time to let that one go.  Didn't want to sound like I was all Eeyore about the whole thing still.


1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear about your horrible, bad day. I'm glad you've made the decision to turn it around and focus on the positive! Good for you!