Sunday, March 08, 2009

vroom

It has been a bad week. I'm really struggling to make it through the end of March and get my last show for the school dance company finished. I think this emotionally draining year has just left me bereft of any enthusiasm, and enthusiasm is exactly what ordinarily keeps me running through the end of the season. It's just gone. I'm honoring my commitment, but it's a fight for me to be at school and all those extra hours of rehearsal.

[If my dancers were reading this, they'd say PDawg? You don't want to do our show? You don't care about us? Because that's how teenagers think. And I'd sigh and say Of course I care about you, but this has nothing to do with my caring about you or not, because it isn't about you. You are not my life. This is the problem. Now let me get back to my post and stop invading every aspect of my personal being.]

I feel fatigued.

So as I drove home Friday afternoon in the sunshine, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do this weekend more than go for a ride on the bike. Of course, it's a terrible weekend for that because we're so busy, but I just knew how nice it would be. I haven't been on the bike since last summer--since before E and I separated--and I was also eager just to start that up again. It's a really positive thing that we can only do together. No kids. Nobody else. Just get on the bike and go. Anyhoot, E indulged me and we set out for a few hours.

Have you ever been on the back of a bike? Until I was 29, I hadn't. Maybe most people have? I just grew up thinking that was something I'd never do, so I was terrified of it. It looked to me like it would be really precarious on one of those things, and that turning would feel like my very death. I was wrong. I am glad I was. They're actually very stable. There's a little bit of movement, but you get used to it. Of course there's an element of danger--a huge one that is to be respected--but as an activity it's much more relaxing than I could have imagined before we had one. As a dancer, I think I like it because I can sense how I need to shift my weight, or balance, and it's very fluid. I remembering being surprised by scuba diving, and how zen-like it was. This is the same way for me. As we cruise along, it feels good to be outdoors, and I usually have a song in my head. I am alone with the air and my thoughts. Yesterday I had "I want to hold your hand" in my head for most of the ride, and then "Leaves on the Seine" by David Lanz. No I'm not joking. Yes, I realize that having a new-age piano piece in my head while riding a Harley is a bit of a dichotomy.

We weren't riding to any destination, but it felt good to be outside. It felt good to feel the wind and take in the green of the countryside. Even the cow smell near the dairies--not so bad if you keep moving. I like cows. I got to try out the liner for my new leather jacket (cozy!) and remember how it feels when bugs hit my neck at that speed. I enjoy getting to see the anachronistic parts of my town; these parts are getting smaller as the sprawl of housing tracts advances. And I got to spend some time with E, not even talking, but remembering how much I enjoy his company. Just being with him. Even in wordless silence (that's redundant, isn't it?) we understand each other better than anyone else.

I know you're wondering. What's the status there? I haven't really said in a while. What's the story, Morning Glory? E's pretty much back. We're still doing well. It's a struggle every day. But we're struggling together. Retrouvaille has helped us to discover that we really do need each other and given us the tools that we need to get through the difficulties that are inevitable. Don't think for a minute that I am talking about this having been all peachy and sunshine and rainbows since we decided to give this one more look. It ain't. It's hard. We fight. All the time. We struggle. We bicker. But we choose to love each other, in spite of that. This is just how we do "us".

So like I said, E's back. At this point we're throwing around an idea of renewing our vows--in order to mark the occasion and say to each other, our children, and our families that this is it. This is what we want, for life. Good or bad, etcetera, etcetera. I know that's what it is supposed to mean the first time, and I absolutely do not regret one thing about that day, but for various reasons there has been some reinterpretation, or I suppose I should say recommitment. I know that E especially feels a desire to make that commitment to me, and I know that I need to hear it. I need to let him know too that I'm walking the walk and not going to bolt when it gets hard. We're thinking just something small, informal, and with family. Neither of us has taken any of this separation lightly--please don't think that--it has been an internal struggle just as much as the external one. And neither of us knew how it would be to be apart. Just that we were at the end of our ropes and in so much pain. But being apart was unbearable, a ripping apart of what had become one. We had traded one pain for another, and we didn't have each other anymore. Couldn't do it. So here we are, doing some intensive work on "us" that will continue indefinitely.

So that's quite an update, huh? It's hard to know what to share, but my hope is that maybe someone else would feel like it's okay that things not be perfect for them. That maybe by writing about it, somebody else would see that you have to choose love--every day--that it is never going to be an overwhelming feeling that makes everything work and makes the other person behave exactly as you'd want them to. That you have to hang in there, ESPECIALLY when you don't feel it. That's when it matters. Because people are not perfect. They're punks. And they're worth it anyway.

Plus, we have two amazing little monkey-punks who need us. And they need us together. I am convinced. So we make it happen. They are both scientific and theological evidence that E + me = good. So we respect that.

And we need each other. So we better figure out a way to get through. Together.

Go out an enjoy the sunshine today! Peace out, nerds.

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