Monday, February 02, 2009

Trepidity, only NOT with all that negative connotation

I'm impatient. I really want this weekend to get here. I'm still not sure how much I want to get into on my blog, but I have a chance to repair things with E. Actually, much of the last month has been seeing if there is something worth repairing. I believe there is. I believe that he and I have a connection that is stronger than we can fight. He seems to feel the same. We're going to a weekend marriage retreat thingy for people with problems, called Retrouvaille. It's through the Catholic church. His idea. He has really taken the lead on this. I'm encouraged lately. Encouraged, but nervous.

I feel myself growing right now. I remember when I was a teenager there were these phases of physical growth where I was kind of clumsy for a while. Right now I'm emotionally clumsy. I've been feeling like my foundation was completely shaken, like a complete emotional roller coaster (hysterical--look up the etymology... I'm crazy like a woman). Janine told me the other day that it's not my foundation that moved, just my perspective. I think she's right.

The events of the past year or so have proved that life just isn't black and white--people are just not black and white. There's so much gray area. I know I said this before, but when I got married I just believed that life was about right and wrong, black and white. It's just not that way. I didn't mean to be so linear, and I don't regret who I was one bit, or getting married young or any of it, I'm just growing. Funny. I feel it. I've spent a large part of my life being disappointed or hurt when people let me down but it's just reality. No matter how much somebody loves you, they let you down once in a while. And you do the same to those you love.

So now I'm trying to reexamine this HUGE decision we made--to get divorced--and all that means, but I actually feel okay about that. Yes, I made the best decision I could at the time. But just like you can't know what a marriage will be like until you're in it, you can't know what the other thing is like either. Most important: this is my family. This is my best friend. I feel it's worth taking one more look, so I'm going to do it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder what other people thought, but I think most of the people that love us just want what's best, and really can't understand most of it either way. This isn't anybody else's path. The decision has to be made independent of worry about how it looks.

Historically, I've been so concerned with making the right choice all the time. Problem is, even if you make the right choice, you can't predict how other people will fit into that. And in this case, I believe that even if you make a choice that leads you in a different direction, it doesn't mean there's no going back.

(Jeez, could I talk in any more vague generalities or use the "generic you" any more tonight? *Former English teachers roll over in graves*--okay, they're not dead yet.) My apologies all around for poor writing this evening.

So here I sit, nervous. Afraid to trust my emotions because they are so strong but I've just come out of the deepest pit. Impatient for next weekend. Wanting to press fast-forward on this week so I can get to the work this weekend. I know it's going to be work, but it's a chance. It's potentially a clean slate, which is the only way I can look at this. Old marriage? Dead. Gone. Kaput. New marriage? Maybe. For now we're going to see what happens. We're going to move slow, like snails. Like turtles. We're going to this Ratatouille weekend and we're going to be good little campers at Catholic camp.

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