Monday, February 23, 2009

Too cool for... underwear?

Photo by Claudia Snell

I love my job. Yay school.
Ehrm... Well, if I have to have a job, I think this is the best possible choice for me. I guess. I had such unreasonably high hopes for my glorious, life-changing, Dangerous Minds/Jaime Escalante-esque teaching career. Have you seen Dead Poet's Society? Or Freedom Writers? Yeah, it's just like that, only not at all. Poor, poor stupid dream.

I realize now that few people outside of public education "get it." This ain't yo mama's public school. Heck, I went to this exact high school, and something happened while I was away at college. Really. I swear, Britney Spears and Bill Clinton reprogrammed the little darlings sometime between '97 and '01. Or something. Suffice it to say, it's a trip teaching at Sodom and Gomorrah High.

I realize that my specific job puts me in situations where I have much more personal interaction with kids than the average teacher... and in a lot of my classes, my students are all girls. This completely changes the dynamic. Girls want, nay--need--to spill their guts all the time. It's just awkward. Not gonna lie though; I'd say I get almost as much weird info in English. I try as hard as I can to appear unsympathetic, judgy, and unreasonable, but inevitably I become privy to some information I truly wish I did not have. *sigh.*

Over the years, I have had quite a few awful/funny/random/weird things said to me. Here are just a few of them. Most of them are pretty cringe-worthy. The thing is, I can't imagine how kids say this stuff to adults. Again, *sigh.* But they do. Oh, how they do. Hang on to your hats. This promises to make your socks curl down. (How's that for mixing clothing-related figures of speech?)

Please to enjoy:

My first day of teaching: “Mrs. P, I think I’m pregnant.”

Frequently: “Ugh...What-ever...” *eye roll*

“Mrs. P, you’re being so gay right now.”

“You’re ruining my senior year!”

“Mrs. P, will you go to Junior Prom with me?”

“I can’t wear this costume. It makes my boobs look weird.”

HATE
this one: “______ thinks you’re hot.” (Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Make it stop. You are children!)

“I can’t dance today. I just got my bellybutton pierced.”

“I need to take this Victoria’s Secret box to my teacher. He bought his girlfriend some lingerie and they were out of boxes, so I said I’d bring him one of mine. She’s really cool. She’s like almost my same age.”

“When you go tanning, you have to lift and separate your cheeks so you don’t get a white line under your butt.”

“Mrs. P, can I go outside? I have a major wedgie and I need to dig it out.”

"I can't be here for that rehearsal tomorrow. I have to get waxed before prom."

“I think I had sex. I’m not really sure. It was over pretty quick.”

“Hey PDawg! I named my pig after you.”

“Mrs. P! Want to see my new tattoo?” (never, ever, ever ends well.)

“I can’t dress today for dance. I didn’t wear any underwear to school.”
...
Of course not, my dear, of course not. When did people stop wearing underwear? Is that a thing? I'm too old for this mess.

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