Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I don't believe in coincidences... or maybe I do...

but that's beside the point. I often find that when I am struggling to understand something or to work through something, I see it everywhere. Case in point: one of the tenets of Retrouvaille (which we are going to this weekend... see my previous post here) is this:

Love is a choice, not a feeling.

Think about that. That's the kind of thing you can hear all the time but not really take in unless you've been there. For me this isn't just about marriage, but about all the loving relationships I have--with my family, friends, whatever. It's choosing to love someone even if you don't have the most positive feelings for them at that given moment. And let's be honest. We all drive each other nuts all the time. Let's stop pretending that we're all going to get along, all the time. It's figuring out how to make it work through those bad times that makes it work.

So once I read that, I kept hearing that same message everywhere--the bestie saying that she and her husband are just stubborn and they're not going to let the other one go, her mom saying that she thinks people just give up to easily these days, my own grandparents saying that times were tough for them and you just hang on because your commitment to family and your spouse is what's important... different versions of the same thought. Choose to love. Even when you don't feel it. Especially if you don't feel it.

I think this was something I felt but probably couldn't put into words easily. I just keep getting reminded all over the place lately. Today I read this post on Simple Mom. It was actually written by a guest contributor, Marriage and Family Therapist, Corey Allan. I really like it. It's an interesting look at what it means to be married, and what it does to us. Give it a read. I especially like this part:

"The truth is - love is a mechanism that allows marriage to do what it is designed to do. Marriage is designed to grow you up."
(Corey Allan, "Putting First Things First...",

Grow you up... hmm...

Another thing I like about this article is it focuses on you taking care of yourself first. One of my friends said that her mom told her a long time ago "not to ever expect one other person to meet all of your needs." I think we get into a trap (or maybe I'm just talking about me here!) where we want someone else to "fix" whatever hurts inside of us. I'll probably hear this same idea 17 more times today. I guess that means I'm supposed to pay attention to it. Hope you're all having a good night. Hope you're choosing to love somebody today, even if they weren't acting all that great. :)


  1. This is a good blog. I went through a rough time before I got married, cold feet and all, and had to understand the whole meaning of marriage. You are right, you cannot expect everything from one person, and I agree with the article. And your grandparents are right, don't give up

  2. Thanks Kayda! Yeah, it's rough right now, but there's hope. I think everybody goes through something like this at one point or another... just our time now. Thanks for the good thoughts. :)