Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Every time I think about writing something, I'm interrupted. My thought process right now is pretty ADD anyway, so it doesn't take much but just as I clicked on "new post" I heard a call from down the hall--"MOMMY!!!! COME AND WIPE MY BOO-TY!" Yeah, I said booty. This is my reality. Deal with it.

Anyway, I was going to write about interruptions--no, I mean--being creative. Right now I am so NOT creative. I don't know what's going on with me (well, okay that's not really true either. I know. I'm separated and I'm lonely and I'm confused and I'm hopeful but I don't want to be too hopeful or get hurt worse and I'm tired--I'm really tired) but I am having the hardest time creating anything right now. It's tough enough to get an idea for choreography, but the practicality of it is a lot of work, and I have to be really lost in a great piece of music or an idea so much that I won't notice how much hard work it's actually requiring to get it done.

I had to finish two dances this week at school and I know that's not like the Sistine Chapel or anything, but I take that work seriously. I'm lucky to have the creative outlet. I'm just not interested in being creative in that way right now. Creativity is hard to schedule. Usually I will get an idea or a piece of music and I will just carry it in my head with me everywhere I go--I might be standing next to you in line in the grocery store staring at the cover of People Magazine, but really I'm thinking about how to use bodies and space to create something. But that's not happening right now, because my grocery store moments are all filled right now with what ifs about my life.

Those two dances didn't come out so great, but I got them done. Nothing beautiful or unusual or even interesting really happened with them, which is too bad because when I started them I had high hopes and big ideas. That was before life started to become One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and I had an emotional lobotomy. (That sounded better in my head.) Seriously, sometimes I do feel like Mac at the end of that movie (yeah, it's a book too, but I've got a visual here) with the glazed look. Anyway... my dances just were not happening. Much like this post.

I don't know, I'm just feeling agitated lately. Last week I thought I wanted to go to law school. This week I feel like I am done with dance and I need a change. I decided to teach English in the Ag academy and I'm thinking about changing grade levels. I'm done teaching dance at EG. Maybe it's the fact that I am now living in the year where I am going to be 30--and don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to 30, but maybe I need something different at 30 than I needed at 22. I know this is arbitrary, but it feels like people take you seriously at 30. And I'm still all the other ages, just like Rachel. Man, I love "Eleven."

"What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don't. You open your eyes and everything's just like yesterday, only it's today. And you don't feel eleven at all. You feel like you're still ten. And you are --underneath the year that makes you eleven." (Sandra Cisneros, "Eleven", from Woman Hollering Creek)

But I feel good about 30. I've been looking forward to 30 for such a long time because it was what I told myself about Eric getting through law school and how hard everything was... if I can just make it to 30, he'll be done with school and life will be good. Well, that's up for discussion, but I feel like it's going to be a good age no matter what. I feel like I have been trying so hard for so long to prove that I was smart and good and capable and now I just feel like I want to just be. It's hard work keeping all that up, and I have what I need to have a good life without killing myself for it.

So in the midst of this excitement and anticipation about a birthday (which hasn't really happened since 21) I am also feeling the need for a change. There are so many things I want to do, and I am looking forward to doing them. I just think I need to change it up. It isn't dance that calls for me right now. I think about writing (not blogs, good stuff!), I think about traveling, and I think about learning something new, and spending more time with my kids. I don't really have a sense of what that's going to look like, I just need something.

It's good. I didn't want to get complacent.

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