Thursday, January 29, 2009

Congratulations, Fatty

Kaiser has this scale that calculates your BMI, fat percentage, weight, and body water. It's like one of those fortune-telling machines, only the fortune is evil.

I'm thinking about lying when I do my BMI next time. Maybe adding an inch to my height when I enter it in will make all the difference in the world. It's not that bad, but it bugs me because I feel good about my size, fitness, etc until I calculate these things. My BMI is always high. And since high school I don't look like I weigh a lot for my height, but I am always heavier than girls of similar build. I think I must have a 23 pound spleen. Yeah, my spleen. That's the ticket...

Today I also found out I have 24.1% body fat. Weird. Also, what's the point of body water percentage? And the whole concept of body water makes me wonder if that percentage would be swayed if, say, I had a full bladder... WELL!!!?!?! These are the kind of things I wonder about, okay? Yes, I am a child. I'm not hiding it. But I mean, since I had to use the restroom then I should have gotten a do-over because all that water weight counted against me in the grand total. Laugh it up... you know you think about these things too. I'm gonna drink a Big Gulp and try again.

I am also convinced that Kaiser exists in a state of heightened gravity. It's like Neptune. Or Jupiter. (I just had to look up which heavenly bodies have the strongest gravity. Didn't just know that in my head. Hey, apparently on the sun I'd weigh 4060 pounds! Also, I'd be dead before I could be "on" the sun. So there's that. Crackle, crackle, crackle...POOF!) At home I generally weigh a good 8 or 9 pounds less than I do at any doctor's appointment on the same day. I can walk in feelin' super fly but once that red number pops up I start glancing around nervously to make sure no one walking by in the halls can see it. I have to fight to keep my hands at my side and not cover the display. EVERY FREAKING TIME. Step on up Partington... try your luck. I won't burn you again. Lies, all lies, you Siren.

Kaiser scale, I will beat you. Just as soon as I finish this bag of Kettle Potato chips.

No comments:

Post a Comment