Friday, January 02, 2009

Blog-o-RAMA 2.0

It's 2009. Big whoop. It didn't even feel strange to write it on checks. This is probably one of the worst days I've had in a string of not-so-hot days where getting out of bed and taking a shower was something I could barely muster. So hey--why not start a blog again?

I think it was exactly this time last year that I started blogging. For some reason--maybe I have a narcissistic desire for others to read my thoughts, or maybe I have too many thoughts to keep them all in my head--I felt like starting one up again. No good reason. This is exactly the time when you'd think I wouldn't want anyone to read my junk. Yet, here I go writing it all down and formatting a page, hoping someone will read what I have to say. Thus is the curse of the too-eager English student who never got over wanting to write, and write too much. Don't care. I yam what I yam. And in a nice way, I am becoming the stereotype of my generation--the annoyingly snobbish labeling of anyone under 30 as "Millennial" and self-obsessed. Okay. But if you think that, then you shouldn't be reading a blog anyway.

Well first thing's first. As of today, it's been almost three months since Eric left. This has pushed me beyond what I ever thought I could do (or should do), it's helped me to learn that I don't have to define my self-worth through someone else's vision of me, and it's helped me really, really think about who I am and who I was and what I want to be and all those other things that you're supposed to think about when you're already an adult who owns a house and two dogs and has been working at a respectable career for quite some time, thank you very much. I'm not going completely Hamlet over anything, but it's made me stop. So much of life for me has been just "getting through" until the next stage. I haven't been all about the journey. So here I stop (not by choice, mind you) and I am forced to examine this moment and exactly who I am.

In some ways, I'm really proud of myself. I think I disguise it well, but in reality I am (was?) a pretty big baby before this all happened to me.* I didn't live on my own, didn't pay my own bills, didn't change batteries in things, none of that. I never had to. So I suppose there's that. Again, big whoop. On the other hand though this has been a pretty big wake-up call for me that I am not an alone kind of person. I need people, and I especially need a male person who lives in my house. For this reason (and the BRUTAL reality of sitting alone on my couch most of Christmas day, paralyzed by shock/sadness/reality and the simple pain that came from the fact that I married for life and I still can't find my way out of that) I still have so many unanswered questions about my marriage.

*Side note: It didn't happen to me, it is my life. That's part of this whole owning it thing.

I'm not pretending things were good, only saying in the past few days I have been really feeling like I need to pray about my marriage (we're still married, technically) and... well, no "and." Just that. Pray about my marriage and pray that I can hear whatever I am supposed to hear while I am stopped dead in my tracks and then follow the right path forward.

Things this whole big pile of crap of a separation has made me think about:

1. I love my children. Man, I love that little dude and dudette. I am completely unbiased when I say they are the best thing that ever happened to anybody on the earth, ever. Really.
2. God's there. I didn't really look for a long time because looking means really owning up to what your life is about, but He was there. He has been so good to me through all of this.
3. I have lots and lots of people who love me. They always say "I wish I knew how to fix this for you" and they look at me with that scared/loving/sad face, but what they don't know is that just by being there for me, they build me up and they make me feel the grace of God every day.
4. For a long time, I let a lot of relationships go because I was really hurting, and it was easier to not see people. I let a lot of myself go too. I didn't look for the things that brought me joy. I wasn't really about anything.
5. I gave too much of myself at work and didn't give enough to my family. I didn't do any of that on purpose--I was trying to help by working, paying bills, etc, etc, etc. As I am forced to stand here in my own rotten mess of a situation, I don't have any choice but to make my life completely about my family (whatever that looks like). For this reason, work has become really hard and not a place I want to be at all. That's okay. It just means I have some redefining to do.
6. I don't care what people think. People just don't know, anyway.

Okay, I think this is a lot to plunk down for day one.

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